daze of my life

Why?

2012-01-30T07:38:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about a question someone asked me over a month ago, to which I did not give a good reply. An acquaintance asked me "Why? Why do you still live in Jordan? What keeps you there?" It's a simple enough question, but due to the complexity of the answer and my inability to articulate well without preparation, I am not even sure of what I said, but I remember the look on his face meant he was not convinced.

As my 3 year anniversary approaches, I feel I should revisit this question:

Why?

-Job experience

-Language learning

-Love for the Middle East

-Love for the people I know here

-Loyalty (not a great reason, but I'd be lying if I said this didn't contribute)

-Fascination

-A challenge (sometimes making life harder for yourself shows you what you're truly made of, which can be terrifying)

-To be different (also not a great reason)

-Freedom (which seems weird coming from a woman living in the Arab world, but there are some aspects of life here which are incredibly freeing- like driving without enforced traffic laws and hiking areas without guides or paths. I have more time off and money than I have before, which )

-I know that moving here was the right choice, and I'm not convinced that I should leave yet (God's calling in my life)

I probably won't live here forever, and I know when I do leave I'll miss a lot about this place. Yes, most days are filled with communication and cultural challenges. Yes, I long to wear shorts. Yes, I'm sick of how men treat me here. But these years have shaped me, and I am thankful for them. I encourage those of you who are considering to spend some time overseas to do it.

Goals, resolutions, habits, naming . . .

2012-01-26T05:44:00.000-06:00

Three women who I know and respect have recently blogged about what this year will bring for them. While I thought I had passed the desire to talk about how 2012 will be different, these women have inspired me to revisit the issue.

I'm captivated by the idea of not letting this year happen to me, but rather me being the one to affect change on 2012.

I'm compelled to form healthier habits rather than set a list of goals.

I'm excited to have a focus, a name for this year.

Right now, when I think of 2012, I'm hoping it will be filled with accomplished dreams and new habits formed. Reading. Praying. Discerning. Exercising. Packing my lunch. Studying. Traveling. Writing. Taking pictures. Making music. Practicing hospitality (both in my home and heart).

I don't want to set goals just for their own sake. I want to become a better me. I want to live a life that reflects my creator's goodness, yet I don't want to be ruled by shame or fear.

I want to write like no one will read it. I want to dance like nobody's watching. I want to celebrate life and stop worrying about tomorrow. I want to love with recklessness. To give too much of myself that I break. To stop being so reserved. To cry with regularity. To shout and honk when needed. To tell people I admire and love them. To be a confident woman who doesn't apologize for doing her job or being tough. To confront when necessary. To talk to strangers.

Open and ready. Without reservation. All out. The year of last chances. The year without regret. The year of seized opportunities. The year of fullness.

I'm obviously still working on this year's name, but you get the gist. Let me know if you have any ideas for me.

strengths finders and a night in

2012-01-18T14:51:00.001-06:00

I usually attend an exercise class tonight, but it's cold out, and I really wanted to catch up on the lastest season of Sherlock from BBC. After researching theories about the final scene of season 2, it was nice to have some time to do little things at home. Like make spinach burgers and do some laundry. Give my cat some attention she acts like I never give. Drink chai with Bailey's. And then I took a free online version of strengths finders since I borrowed the book from a friend. While I typically get nervous and tend to score average on everything in personality type tests, I found this test interesting.

My top 5 strengths were listed as belief, responsibility, inclusiveness, intellection, and connectedness. Ignoring that I'm not even sure if half of those are real words, the descriptions claim I am someone: with strong values and a desire to serve; who takes on responsibility eagerly and believes my reputation lies within my ability to follow through; who looks for people left out and includes them; who is introspective and values time alone to think; and who believes in a connection between everything and everyone.

Truth. Now how to capitalize . . . can I put these on my resume?

Moroccan tea

2012-01-11T04:24:00.001-06:00

Last night I met up with a friend who I don't see nearly enough to catch up at a little Moroccan tea house. Do you see how cute my tea is? Reason #87 why living in the Middle East is so great. We talked for 2 hours about life- challenges of living here, challenges of living in the US, our goals for this year, recent frustrations and lessons learned. I left our time together feeling energized to make positive changes. Even though it was late, I went home and read and wrote and worked on important things.

She mentioned how she knows it is important to seek out people with similar priorities and visions in life so that we don't become content with shallow lives. I need to keep this in the front of my mind. I find it quite easy overseas- maybe the types of people who move overseas tend to be more socially active deeper people. But regardless of my location, I shouldn't have to sacrifice the quality of my friendships and conversations. And quality people are everywhere.

(Don't think that because I have posted a lot recently that I have some new blogging resolution. I don't.)

New boots

2012-01-10T02:40:00.000-06:00

Last Friday, I went with my friend to a suuq. This market is open one day a week and sells cast off clothing and produce. The clothes have questionable beginnings. Maybe they're clothes from stores in Jordan that don't sell. I'm pretty sure some come from thrift store donations from abroad considering the number of camp and VBS shirts I've seen. I'm sure many of the items in this market have a fascinating stories and untold number of previous owners. This suuq is popular with Jordanians and expats alike because they have SO MUCH stuff, for dirt cheap. Cue above photo of boots. These little beauties were an impulse buy of mine for 4 JD on Friday. I have worn them everyday since. They are the right mix of comfortable, warm, casual yet not trashy, which fit my current mood perfectly. Since the suuq erects an orange plastic roof over the items for purchase, I thought they were purple and green when I bought them. I'm so glad I was wrong.

I often consider bringing clothes to suuq jumaa and give them to some confused vendor for him to sell, but leaving my cast-offs at the curb is so much more convenient . . .

2012

2012-01-09T01:49:00.002-06:00

2012 is going to be a good year. A different year. A year of transition.

Today my hair is curly. Just because. See? Different already.

Honestly, I have little idea what this year will have in store for me, and absolutely no idea of 2013. But I will take one step at a time, and be active in pursuing possibilities.

I'm reading Nouwen's Reaching Out with a group of friends right now and am continually convicted by it. Most recently, on 2 points.

1) My fear of empty space and stillness. While I treasure being alone, I constantly fill my time with distractions when I could be present and still and listening and learning. I believe I have something unique to offer the world, but insights come only when I stop and listen.

2) Hostility vs. hospitality of strangers. For me, I know that it is better to live my life treating people with love and generosity and get burned a few times then to treat everyone with suspicion and distrust. Now I just need to live it.

Happy Advent

2011-12-07T02:50:00.001-06:00

10 years of travels

2011-12-01T08:59:00.001-06:00

This week I had to renew my passport. While I'm excited to no longer have to present my 16-year-old self to the immigration officers, my first passport has a lot of memories. I don't travel as much as one would expect in someone who lives overseas, but I'm making big plans for 2012. New passports, new year, new chapter in life.

2002

Ireland

2004

Czech Republic

Slovakia

Ukraine

2006

Kenya

England

Egypt

Turkey

Syria

Jordan

Israel

Cyprus

2008

Philippines

2009

Jordan

Egypt

2010

Jordan

Iraq

2011

France

Jordan

Iraq

Turkey

American as Apple Pie

2011-11-24T02:10:00.001-06:00

While I'm not a very American American, something about living overseas makes me want to celebrate American holidays with more fervor. It doesn't feel like Fall or the beginning of Christmas season here, so I try to force it. Parties, decorations, baking, reading stories of those celebrating elsewhere- these things make me happy right now and feel closer to my own identity and traditions I know and love. Why is eating Turkey every year on a Thursday feel so important? I'm not entirely sure. It's something familiar in a land that is foreign. It's a reminder of my identity and that I will never be Arab. It's a chance to celebrate since I don't celebrate the Islamic holidays. It's a point of connection between me and my American friends here. These all contribute.

I've always loved Thanksgiving. It never hurts to be reminded to be thankful for all the blessings in my life.

Let's hope my pie tastes as good as it looks. But Joy the Baker rarely let's me down. I'm thankful for her.

A thankful week

2011-11-21T04:32:00.001-06:00

Soon American Thanksgiving will be upon us, one of my favorite holidays due to delicious food and my marker of when Christmas decorations and music can start. I've started a Thanksgiving tree, a Davis family tradition, although this year I drew it on my tile kitchen wall since branches and construction paper are not easy finds in Jordan. While I'm keeping track of what I'm thankful for there, I wanted to share some things I'm thankful for here as well:

Rain in Jordan. While it's gross, Jordan depends on this rainfall, and we haven't seen it since the Spring.
Restart of Arabic lessons.
New dreams and ideas for my future.
New friends.
Success of weekly writing nights with my roommate.
While Starbucks in Jordan does not have seasonal drinks, they do have Christmas cups!
H&M opens in Jordan next week.
Two invitations to Thanksgiving dinners from families who know food. And that they're held on different days. Win!
Marathon training is over. Now I can run when I feel like it, and no more 2 hour treadmill workouts.
Warm beverages. I think this is my favorite part of winter.

Eid al-Adha with Kari

2011-11-13T02:03:00.001-06:00

This past week was a Muslim holiday, which gave me a week off work, and a perfect time for my friend Kari to come visit. We ate a lot of hummus and had great talks about living overseas. Here are some pics of our other activities.

Riding horses in Petra. On the way back I almost died as my horse decided to gallop. Poor Kari, the real rider, was stuck on Mr. Pokey who preferred a slow meander.

Climbing with the goats in Petra. Oh the exhaustion. But at least the weather was lovely.

Jeep tour in Wadi Rum with our great Bedouin guide.

Photos from the marathon

2011-10-28T13:34:00.000-05:00

Amman International Marathon 2011

2011-10-28T13:05:00.002-05:00

For the past 17 weeks, I've beentraining for a marathon. I tried my best to stick to a schedule I found online,alternating running on the treadmill, my neighborhood, a small wooded area, andon the outskirts of the city.

It was my first race longer thana 10 mile, and I was terrified. At first I was hesitant to tell people, forfear I'd reach my running limit and have to quit my efforts, but then I got tofar in, and the news went public. My American friends were all impressed. Thosewho had run before gave me advice. But the Jordanian ones rarely seemedinterested, or told me "Oh yeah? Me too!" But this meant they wererunning the 10K Fun Run. Because apparently in Jordan, race = marathon. And ittook all my restraint to clarify that I was running more than 4 times as them.

I heard over 300 people signed upto run the 42K, and less than 100 showed up. And I estimate 30 of us finished.Does that make me in the top 10%? Please say yes.

The morning started at 4:30am,the meeting time, at a place called "Sport City." It was dark andcold, but I found my way over to the other expats (maybe 8 of us) as we werethe only ones to show up on time. At 5:30, about 35 of us make our way to thestart line by bus, arguing with police along the way who won't let us in theclosed roads. "The roads are closed for us!" Once there, we met maybe50-75 other runners, including the 5 token Africans who will obviously win. Therace started at 6:05am.

In all this waiting, I madefriends with a few people: the Finnish guy who is a marathon tourist-travelling the world and running races. The American Embassy guy who was veryencouraging. The older couple: he was from Scotland and she was from S. Africa.And a few smiles from a few of the 10 women.

The track was a 10K loop, and wehad to do a U-turn early in the race to fit in all the kilometers. The first20K were great. They did a great job of keeping the streets clear, I wasfascinated by Friday morning activities of the Jordanians (apparently it thetime to buy your bunnies and birds), and I was running around some of the otherrunners. It was difficult to figure out when to drink, if to eat a banana, ifto drink the gatorade- but I was making good time and enjoying myself.

I had watched the Africans lap metwice, and all the fast runners once. I was keeping track of the women. 2Africans obviously in first. S. Africa in 3rd. American girl my age in a strong4th. A Jordanian covered girl in 5th. The remaining women I passed or I neversaw after the first 10K or so.

Around 21K my stomach startingcramping and my legs started hurting. I knew from training once the muscles inmy legs get tired, the remaining run is pretty painful. I walked more than Iwas hoping to, and tried to figure out if my body wanted to vomit. During thispainful time, I noticed about 5 young teenage boys walking toward me, hand inhand, as if to play red rover. They were laughing to themselves. I glared, thenstarting yelling for them to move. While they dropped hands, I still had tosqueeze through them and one of them touched my butt as I went past. I stopped,turned, and took about 5 running steps toward them. They genuinely lookedfrightened, so I continued on my way. This did not help my mood.

By this time, the fast people hadfinished, so the police didn't care about people blocking the roads, theystarted to let traffic through, and the water stations were handing out waterto random passer-byers. Also, the 10K runners shared about 3K of our track withus. These runners are mostly teenagers, looking for an opportunity totalk with members of the opposite sex. Needless to say, they did not reallytake the race seriously, and were quite the obstacle running through.

The last 10K I felt better, andhad the finish line in sight. I still had to walk a bit on that final lap, butI pushed. I skipped the penultimate water station since I was on a roll, butregretted it since the last one had disappeared. It was getting hot, andmy long-sleeved shirt under my mandatory Arab Bank shirt wasn't doing me anyfavors. I caught up with 2 Jordanian guys and we decided to run together to theend. Except we couldn't find the finish line, and they had turned off thetiming equipment after 5 hours (we came in about 5:30). And then I saw 2 of thewomen I passed resting at the finish line. Cheaters.

My friends were fantastic. Theyhad run the 10K earlier, but stuck around to cheer me and others on. Theyfortunately found me water and a medal since they had run out. 3-4 othersfinished after me, but we'll never know our official times or even have proofof running since they turned off their equipment. It was maddening.

But I'm conscious, sore, and haveeaten a lot of good food today. Overall I'm glad I did it, but I don't think ifI ever decide to do a marathon again it will be in Jordan.

Photos to follow.

Peace

2011-10-21T01:57:00.000-05:00

I have a little place, far from my family and birth country, which I call home. It's a place that keeps me comfortable and sane. It's a place I can both host others or hide myself. The walls are colorful, the windows are big, and the view should not be taken for granted.

Sometimes I just stare, stare into the streets and rooftops below, wondering about the people, and thankful for my little refuge. I watch the garbage men, the taxis, and the birds. I hear the horns, the peddlers, and the call to prayer.

My home is a place in this country that I can control. My home and I always understand each other. It's a place I can create food, art, or music. It's the place I spend time with my cat and roommate.

And today, like most Fridays, I bask in my Sabbath time at home. Thankful I don't have to leave. Thankful it will be here for me tomorrow.

I thank God for this day, for this place, and for this peace.

Reminder to myself

2011-10-17T02:36:00.000-05:00

I would love to work with a church. A small, earthy, open church in a large city. This church would open its doors to everyone and be very active in its community. They would teach God's love. People would be involved and initiate new things as they saw the need. We would be a family, but not insular.

I would love to have my own business. A bed and breakfast. A coffee shop. A bookstore. A place of people gathering, with a purpose. I place I can welcome or invite people. A safe place where I am exposed to people and they, me. Interaction, friendship, love.

I would love to work with a small, faith-based NGO. Either overseas or in the US. Knowing that I fully support their work, and that I'm good at my role, and that I was needed for the operation to work.

I would love to work with students. As a mentor, organizer, or supervisor. Helping them see how they can be a part of the global mission of God.

I would love to be a mother or care-taker. To help little ones grow up to be bright and loving people.

I would love to write a book. A memoir and guide to overseas living. I could seek out collaborators. I want people who move overseas and find themselves lost to have a resource.

I would love to travel often. Visit new spaces and meet new people. And take lots of photos.

I would love to have a garden, a dog, a cat, a husband, and an urban dwelling.
I would love to be a part of a community.
I would love to be a serious runner.
I would love to be an excellent and creative cook.
I would love to be fluent in another language.
I would love to read more and watch less TV.
I would love to have my pilot's license.
I would love to be more stylish and present myself in a more elegant and professional way.
I would love to be a spiritual leader once again, and feel that I can offer guidance to those who seek it.
I would love to be confident in myself and in who God created me to be.
I would love to know the Bible better, and be able to articulate my theology.

Most of these can be obtained, and I don't have to choose one occupation. Just take the first step. One thing at a time. For now: study hard, invest in people, travel, photograph, and dream.

Fall Festivities

2011-10-11T07:05:00.000-05:00

My family growing up had a tradition of having a thanksgiving tree every year. My mom would put a branch in a pot and cut out a bunch of Fall colored leaves out of construction paper. Throughout November, we would think of things we're thankful for, write them on the leaves, and glue them to the branch. By Thanksgiving, the tree would be full. I really want to do it this year, but branches are hard to come by. I may have to do an alternative project.

Above is a photo of my mom and my parents' new puppy Happy. When they got her she was only 5 lbs or so! This past weekend they went up to PA to go apple picking.

I miss Fall and all of its activities. But this year, it makes me really happy to see my friends and family making the most of this great season.

Today it's 90 degrees F and trees here have two colors- green and brown (when dead). But my friends and I still scour stores for pureed pumpkin and I've been on a sweet potato kick. We can pretend, right?

Beautiful Day

2011-10-04T06:26:00.002-05:00

Today I was out delivering some papers for work. My UNICEF contact told me to have my driver deliver them. It was hard not to laugh at him.

Then I saw this beautiful mosque and decided I really wanted a picture of it. While I thought I was being sneaky, a man from the roof started shouting at me, trying to get my attention. He tried several different languages. I understood them all, but responded to none. Totally worth it.

A letter to my friends who no longer believe:

2011-09-29T07:59:00.002-05:00

I pray that you know that I still love you. No matter what.

I pray that you will be overwhelmed by the fullness of God's love. That you will come to realize it is greater than any lover, parent, or friend you will ever have. That it is unconditional and so while you may not believe in this love, it will always be there. I long for you to discover or rediscover this gift that makes all the difference in fully living.

I pray that you will come to accept God's presence. That you will be aware of this great Spirit that is here with us on this earth. And that this simple yet astounding fact enables us to do great things. Like truly love our neighbors and ourselves.

I pray that God will make himself/herself known to you. From this incredible world and all the people in it- they all have something to share, something for us to learn. I pray that whatever caused you to doubt would not be ignored but faced head on. And that all the injustice of this world will be seen as a call to action rather than an impassible hurdle.

I pray you can separate the brokenness of Christians and today's church and the perfection of God. And that you will never be afraid to talk to loved ones (including me) about what you currently believe or don't believe. And that you can forgive those who receive you with anything less than complete honesty and acceptance.

Sincerely,

Margie

Happenings

2011-09-28T04:50:00.000-05:00

Summer nights here in Amman are coming to a close. Now starts the season of always carrying a scarf or light sweater. Today the sky could fool you into thinking it's foggy, but your nose and mouth quickly inform you that it is filled with sand and dust. Gone are the guaranteed days of sunny and warm that I have come to love so much.

Yesterday I turned 26. It was a great day filled with people who I love making the day special for me. Last night my roommate and I went out to dinner, at a surreal new restaurant of unknown influence. We talked about life and goals over fajitas and tempura. I think both of our souls were filled by the good food and real conversation.

Tonight I start a book study with some other women about the book "The Prodigal God."

I just realized that my marathon is a week later than I thought it was.

Life is good here in Amman.

Be Happy

2011-09-15T08:04:00.002-05:00

Whenever I spend time with my parents, I learn things. We live in very different contexts, and their perspective is valuable to me. One thing which has stuck with me from my conversations with my mother, is the concept of happiness.

She was commenting on generational differences, and how these days parents just want their kids to be happy. Whatever it takes. Most of these parents were brought up with pressure to succeed, and they don't want their kids to feel inadequate as they probably did.

I've been thinking about what the purpose of my life is lately, thinking about what I'm currently doing and if it supports that purpose. A friend sent me a questionnaire to help process through my vision of the world and my purpose in it. One question which has stuck with me is: What can I wholeheartedly say yes to? So far my list is very short. The word that gets me is "wholeheartedly."

I currently don't have a well-articulated statement about my purpose. I'm working on it. But it's not to be happy or successful.

I think these goals isolate us and concentrate too much on our own condition. Happiness or success often are achieved at the expense of others, and on the short list of things I can wholeheartedly say yes to, I know that loving and serving others is worth it, whatever it takes.

But on the other hand, I think happiness will be a result from living a life in accordance with our convictions. I think we are supposed to enjoy life. Some even argue that Christians should ultimately seek happiness, because this happiness is most fully found in God.

I never want to stop finding joy in small things and making time for play. I probably won't work a job that I hate just because it pays well. But helping people will not always be fun. Trying to be loving doesn't always make me happier- relating to people is hard work.

I guess I see happiness as a daily choice amidst our current circumstances, and purpose is what drives us in our decision making which usually leads us to our current circumstances. Our purpose defines us, while our emotional state should not.

Do you know your purpose? What are your motivations?

Run!

2011-09-07T04:12:00.000-05:00

In June, I decided to start training for a marathon. Maybe to have the bragging rights, maybe to have a fitness goal, maybe so I'll look better at my brother's wedding- really I'm not sure of my motivations. Probably all of the above.

I've run many races before, and have been running somewhat consistently since Fall 2007, but this distance is more than twice what I'd ever run before. And therefore terrifying.

I'm in my twelfth week of training, and have 6 more weeks to go. Now that the weekly mileage is embarrassingly high, these next weeks are going to probably be the toughest physically I've ever had.

I'm learning a lot through this experience:

Marathon training takes SO MUCH time. Especially if you're a really slow runner, like me.
Passing 2 or more hours on a treadmill is the worst mind game I've ever had to play. Simultaneously listening to podcasts, watching 5 TVs, aware of blaring pop music, and alternating speeds is not enough to stop me from staring at the clock.
Related- outdoor running friendly spaces will never again be taken for granted by me. During the past week in VA, I was able to run on a paved trail beside the Potomac, complete with mile markers and beautiful bridges. I ran in silence and was more than content.
The training for this race is probably more difficult than the race itself. Every week I push myself to a new distance, and throughout the week I test my speed and endurance. It's like running 3-4 races a week. I have to eat, rest, and plan my day accordingly.
Good runs cannot be beat. They're amazing.
I'm loving getting advice from other runners. I feel like I'm in the "for real runners club".

Yesterday, on the treadmill, I listened to a podcast from Radiolab about an ultramarathoner. She started running when she found it was the only thing that would stop one of her epileptic seizures from happening. Eventually, the seizures overpowered her, and she had a surgery to remove a kiwi-sized piece of her temporal lobe. While she no longer has seizures, she also has no spacial reasoning, short term memory loss, and really no concept of time. She now runs (and wins) races of distances like 100 miles or more. She said she is disadvantaged since she cannot read maps, but I think even more useful is that she gained the ability to lose time. While she is running, she has no concept of how long she's ran, or how much further she has to go. She just finds her rhythm, matching her feet and her breath, forgetting about the world around her.

I think this is the true goal of running. I have a long way to go.

Jordan to USA and back again

2011-09-06T04:07:00.001-05:00

I just got back from 2 weeks in the US: going to a wedding, reuniting with old friends, seeing family, shopping, and indulging in American life. It was a great trip.

Every time I cross from one culture to another, I love noticing the differences between them in how people act, and even how I act. It's funny for me to observe at the airport and on the plane as the people transition (or fail to transition) from one culture to the other. The old woman cutting in line in America, the girl with her short shorts in Jordan- these small things help me to see the world for what it is: massive. While the world seems to be getting smaller, distinct cultures still exist with their different ideas of expected behavior.

While in Jordan, I'm never expected to know the rules or way things work due to lightness of my skin and hair; in the US I felt like a fool trying to figure out ATMs, parking machines, parking rules, rental cars, etc. Not only do I look the part of an American, I'm young, and therefore expected to be technologically adept. I suppose it's good I can be humbled everywhere I go.

I'm still learning the line between stranger and friend. In the US, I try to treat everyone politely, as an acquaintance, making small talk or jokes with people in my vicinity, even if I have no connection with them. It is a long road before someone becomes my friend and I can rely on them for favors or even to make time for me. In Jordan, I treat those I don't know with little regard, never making eye contact, and doing what I have to do to get ahead. Once a connection is made (words exchanged, introduced somehow) we are bound. We are neighbors/friends/family. While I'm more comfortable with keeping everyone at an arm's length, I'm learning to appreciate the Jordanian way. I don't have to work as hard to connect with people. And really, shouldn't connection with people trump privacy?

While I already miss the copious amounts of avocados, bacon, and berries I consumed while in the States; I am happy to be here, now. I'm learning to live simply, never a day without conquering fear making a fool of myself, never a week I can hide from people. And it's good.

2011-08-14T05:08:00.000-05:00

Since I last blogged I've:

Snorkeled in the Red Sea
Met with 7 friends for meals
Run 28 miles
Played countless games of "Go Fish"
Adjusted to life here during Ramadan (cooking more, not drinking/eating in public, avoiding being out during rush hour, shorter work days, louder nights)
Arranged a song
Begun planning for my upcoming trip

Friday I leave for a whirlwind trip to DC, San Francisco, and back to DC. I'm so excited to see friends and family, wear pretty dresses, and eat good "American" food. Not so excited about the flights, jet lag, and luggage stress- but it's worth it.

The Zoo

2011-07-31T03:42:00.000-05:00

On Friday, I took my favorite Egyptian family to the zoo. The zoo here has maybe 10 different kinds of animals including: lions, llamas, monkeys, vultures, peacocks, snakes, and deer. While the cages were small and dirty, I've seen worse.

They also had bumper cars and other amusement park activities, although many of them were broken. Regardless, we had a great time.

While I fully believe in engagement and attachment to the world around us, in the sense that we should work for God's kingdom on earth, a day at the zoo reminded me of life's simple pleasures. While it often feels like it, the world does not revolve around the US debt crisis or my career choices or any of the other heavy issues we are constantly burdened with. Being giddy over excitement to see a real live lion, and hearing a 1.5 year old sound out each animal brought joy to my heart and made me thankful for such an experience.

Different Perspectives

2011-07-27T08:10:00.000-05:00

Today I had lunch with a new friend (yay!) and this week has several goodbyes. While it's often exhausting to continually meet and share yourself with people, I know it's worth it, and I've gotten to know some really great people and hear their wisdom. I think I'm getting better at listening and responding in love and grace considering I don't know a single person in Jordan who shares the majority of my opinions. Which can be lonely but very stretching. Some thoughts from the past 24 hours:

-Love God/love people, other things aren't worth stressing over
-If I'm right with God and loving my family, does my job or location really matter?
-We have no right to feel offended by others- this is just our pride getting in the way
-Culture has shaped much of our worldview, and often we need to recognize and call out the lies
-Mentoring is a valuable thing, and should be pursued/offered

I also have realized I've gotten lazy in many of my views. People have recently asked me my opinion about tricky things, and while I usually know what I think, I think I have forgotten why. I'm a firm advocate for continually thinking about and even changing our theology based on new truths realized and learned, and yet I forget to practice what I preach.

Unrealistic goal: always have consistent, well-thought out, and well-worded Biblical theology. And be able to ask gentle and challenging questions to others.

On a lighter note, I've realized that in 2011, I've accepted bangs, air conditioning, and mayonnaise into my life as good things. It's funny how we change.

Hiking Thoughts

2011-07-24T05:24:00.000-05:00

I often feel the need to be better in some way than other people. I'll take stock of all they have going for them and make sure I'm better than them in at least one thing. At least I can play the piano. At least I can run long distances. It's a terrible habit. I know theoretically that I am of worth not because of what I can do but who I am, a child of God. I am beloved. And so is everyone else. I wish I could see myself and those around me in this way. That I will treat everyone without competition but affirm their belovedness. I want to live life being thankful for who I am, and concentrate more on giving my kindness and friendship rather than seeing my possessions and abilities as what I have to offer.

I want to be present, and enjoy where and who I am now, today. Because really, I am incredibly blessed.

Wadi Ibn Hammad- a beautiful hike in rural Jordan

Still obsessed with my teal toenails

Lunch time with the hiking companions

Fun times with Maryanne!

2011-07-19T06:56:00.000-05:00

When people come and visit, it usually means a great excuse for doing things like spending the day at a Dead Sea resort:

after getting a pedicure, of course.

Hot pink bougainvillea never fails to improve my spirits.

But this girl helps out too.

Here I am drinking Bubble Tea, and most likely trying hard not to laugh at the live band behind me. They were impressive with their drum playing and knife throwing skills, but rather out of place.

It's been a great couple weeks of reading, good discussions, and a full schedule. I'm sure I'll have more reflections to share when I have a chance to slow down and think.

Have a great week!

Hint hint

2011-07-06T04:41:00.000-05:00

Do you remember in June when someone wrote their number on my car? A little mysterious, but not too surprising. I live in a building which has a furniture and shoe making shop on the street level and they see a lot of me. I'm a busy person, so I'm often in and out of my house. I've been running in the morning. I spend time on my balcony. As a young American, me and my foreign friends are the Arab man's dream. Hence so much harassment. I don't appreciate whistles, "hubba hubbas", or blatant stares. But honestly, I don't mind compliments or flowers.

It all started with that number on my car. A couple weeks later I noticed there were flowers on the driver side of my car. As I was driving away, I realized, those were probably put there on purpose. And then, I remembered that was not the first time I had left for work in the morning with a small bundle of flowers from nearby bougainvillea or jasmine plants. I had always brushed it off as a shedding tree.

Today, someone made sure I didn't miss the hint. Somebody has a crush on me.

I hope I never learn who it is.

Things currently on my mind . . .

2011-07-03T08:28:00.000-05:00

How my cat fell from my 3rd story balcony and didn't return for a day. (What did she do during her 24 hours on the streets?)
Finding the perfect dress for my brother's wedding. I have a lot of options I like, but none that I LOVE.
How to entertain/make the most of my friends' visits.
Weight loss vs. marathon training. I feel like I have to choose.
Work contracts/future plans
Curry dinner and cherry dessert. To be made on Wednesday.
Reading theology books with people. Hooray!
My parents' sheepadoodle puppy and what they should name her.
Crafts. I want to make them.
Harry Potter- next week!

Nothing to fear, except . . .

2011-06-19T07:05:00.000-05:00

Many people have told me that I'm a brave person. They can't imagine living in Jordan on their own, or shimmying through a tight space in a cave, or being so calm during a painful dental procedure. I remember vividly one time my parents told me I'd be a good martyr or PoW. Thanks? I wish I could just take the compliment gracefully, thank God for this gift, and spend my life doing things that need to be done but most people are afraid to do them. But I feel the need to come clean.

I'm afraid of everything.

Seriously, everything. And I think this is why I seem brave. Because everyday I have to conquer fears. Everyday I do things that cause my pulse to quicken, my hands to get sweaty, and bring that unpleasant feeling to my stomach. And I'm not sure this is normal.

Calling a friend to finalize coffee plans brings me just as much anxiety as negotiating with my landlord in Arabic. I have to talk myself into buying food every single time. I rehearse what I'm going to say to the gas attendant. Sending my boss an email takes me probably 30 seconds before I can hit the "send" button. Even in the States, I fear interactions with people. Therefore, I'm very good at conquering my fears. Fear has never incapacitated me.

So going on unguided hikes in the Middle Eastern wilderness, moving to Jordan, traveling to Iraq, even taking care of a disabled teenager in grad school- terrifying? Yes. But able to done and even enjoyed after the initial fear? Yes.

I recently watched the new Karate Kid movie (don't judge) and I really loved the part at the end where Jackie Chan asks the kid why he feels the need to go out and fight the bully again after he's injured. He said because he was still scared of him. This made me wonder if I'm still in the Middle East because honestly, it still scares me, to live overseas. And while I have conquered this in the sense that I moved here, I keep waiting for daily life to be comfortable, and it's not.

Will it ever happen? Should this be a goal of mine? What am I so afraid of? I have no idea.

2011-06-12T05:33:00.000-05:00

Painting on book pages

Now on my kitchen walls

Noosa, in my dish rack

Summer begins with June

2011-06-07T04:02:00.000-05:00

Pretty sure this is the first time a man has slipped me his phone number- and he wrote it on my dirty car. Classy.

These past couple weeks have been filled with change. Old roommates gone, new one has arrived. Rearranging and organizing my apartment. Trying to find a new summer routine with lots of exercise and reading. A new cell phone. A new shirt.

Change, you are welcome in my life.

I also feel very scattered recently and have a hard time focusing. (This is my excuse for telling you two random stories.)

Yesterday, I discovered a cockroach in the coffee I had just made. I almost threw up.

On Saturday, I was asking an Egyptian friend about a gesture I had received by a taxi driver. It was the motion of stroking his beard (if he had a beard) and I was thoroughly confused by it. My friend said it could either mean "please" or "I'm going to kill you." Sorry, what? I told him the context in which the driver used it, and he told me mine was a "please." I asked him to explain further, and my best interpretation, is that men use it here to appeal to their manhood. Like "Please let me do this as a way of showing my honor as a man" or "As surely as I am a man I will kill you the next time I see you." It stems from men who say they will shave off their beard (a sign of manhood and religiosity) if they don't keep their promise.

I suggested we try to start a female version that we pretend to shave our heads. Surely this will catch on.

So if you make me angry, and I glare at you while pretending to shave my head- watch your back.

non-important updates

2011-05-30T06:36:00.000-05:00

I finally downloaded instagr.am so I can make photos from my phone look really trendy.

The above shoes just arrived in the mail with red and silver ribbon straps. They make me feel like a ballerina. I'll probably wear them 5 times a week this summer.

My Barre class teacher is leaving for the summer which means I recently procured 4 DVDs to continue my quest to be stronger, leaner, and more flexible. I love Bar Method, even though it hurts me.

I've been purging my apartment this week and it's amazing the things which find their way into my collection after 8 or so girls have lived with me over the past 2 years. I recently found: spray tan, glitter lotion, enough soap and toothpaste to last for years, charcoal pills (warning label says it causes dark colored stool), canned hot dogs, trashy romance novels, horror films, 4 copies of Lonely Planet Jordan, and Halloween decorations. I've only just begun.

Perhaps this random supply of things is affecting me because I purchased a jar of raspberry fluff last night. I have no idea why. It tastes like chapstick.

Happy Memorial Day to those of you in America!

Lessons Learned

2011-05-25T04:48:00.000-05:00

Anyone who has lived overseas will return a changed person. It's an experience which stretches, challenges, pushes, and probably a few more action words. But I don't think everyone should do it. Sometimes I want to bluntly ask, "what are you even doing here?"

It kinda reminds me of the arguments for and against short term volunteer trips. Most people agree 12 teenagers won't be able to accomplish much during a 1 week trip to Mexico, but no one can argue that it can make a life-changing difference in the teenagers' lives. So, worth it? Sometimes, yes.

I have seen a lot of people break while here in Jordan. It's an interesting phenomenon, because Jordan is a rather cushy place to live. One can find almost everything you could possibly imagine, although sometimes at a price, and luxuries such as cleaning services, salon treatments, nice hotels, etc. are affordable to the middle class. But for some reason, it's an emotionally difficult place to live. People's small struggles become major addictions. Annoyances turn into depression. Most of the single women I know have become men-haters. And I have no idea what the solutions are to these issues.

While no one claims to be perfect, I wonder if it's worth it for some people to lose their light-hearted spirit or go through so much anguish to live here. No one expects them to martyr themselves, do they?

While I have yet to "break", I know I've changed. And continue to change. I think it's important that I regularly take stock of how I'm changing, and if I see danger, it's time to do something different. This would probably be a good practice for people everywhere, but especially if you see yourself in a potentially explosive situation.

Some ways in which I'm changing:

I've gained so much more confidence in my body and athletic ability
I can't wonder anymore: I'm bad at languages
My pride continues to decrease as Jordan has ways of humbling me everyday
I'm realizing how much I value hospitality and generosity
My view of God keeps getting bigger
I'm much more nervous around men and assume the worst
Writing and crafting are most often used as outlets rather than piano and walking
I'm realizing how much I hate selfishness and deceit
I can bake/cook anything from scratch that I set my mind to
I'm finally realizing I can't befriend everyone
I now have bangs and am transitioning out of my short hair phase
I drink more tea than coffee (not by choice)
I always walk with a purpose, avoiding any contact with people
I'm no longer offended by gossip or empty promises
I always take the blame and never the credit
I've become much more appreciative of the US, but perhaps less patriotic
My style has fallen by the wayside

Climbing

2011-05-19T05:13:00.000-05:00

This week I have been literally climbing, but more than that I wanted to reflect a little about figuratively climbing. Recently I've been making progress in overcoming my fear of the future, and it's been freeing to dream about what could come next. I'm still not ready to leave Jordan, but I'm starting to be finally dream of other possibilities.

Today I came across this quote which an acquaintance posted which really struck me. It is from a guy who is trying to reinvent the college experience in some really fascinating ways, but in part of his explanation he said,

"Our bodies yearn not to sit in chairs all day writing and processing data and they weary if we work all day in the fields. Likewise our minds find work toilsome if we cannot see beauty and purpose in our labor, but grow sick of our own intellectual musings if they have no matter in reality. . . We must have both faith and action; we ought to be farmer-poets, builder-designers, philosopher-scientists, carpenter-politicians and doctor-pastors."

Is this possible in the world we live in? Is it possible for us? If so, how? How do I make sure that my faith and action are both being practiced? What type occupation and situation would I need to have?

I keep waiting, thinking someday I'll hear of an organization or person which I love and will help them further their cause. Or that someday someone will seek me out because I am "just the person they need." But what if this doesn't happen? What if I need to dream the dreams myself? What if I'm the one who needs to recruit others?

Wadi Rum retreat/run

2011-05-16T05:17:00.000-05:00

From about 11:30 until 4, my roommates and I each found a quiet spot in the desert to sit, listen, and be with God. I provided some guides which led us through a time of contemplative prayer, scripture reflection, and poetry writing.

Two things really stuck out to me. The phrase from Dr. Lane “God is a desert to be entered and loved, never an object to be grasped or understood” in addition to the line from Isaiah 40 "Do you not know? Do you not understand? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth."

The sun was very hot, but there was a strong constant wind which blew over me during my time. I almost felt as if God was screaming at me to make sure I recognized his presence.

I was talked into running in a 10K that night, and it turned out to be a ridiculously enjoyable experience. There was no full moon, and the race started at 6:30pm, so before sunset- it was hardly the "Full Moon Desert Marathon" like it climbed. So unorganized, and impossible to run (I think I knew theoretically that it was hard to run in sand . . .) but I had a great time.

The desert was beautiful, especially when everyone was spread out and the sun was setting. We were supposed to run following lighted torches.

After crossing the finish line, there were bonfires, s'mores, and lots of friendly people.

Like Hamed, who was really excited about teaching me tricks with my camera.

Overall a great retreat, but I felt like it wasn't finished. I hope to take a small personal one this weekend too, if I can find the time. Maybe on my roof.

A retreat

2011-05-12T08:05:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow morning my roommates are going to start our weekend early morning and drive into the desert of Wadi Rum. We're going because my roommates are leaving. One has never been to Wadi Rum, and the other wants to go one last time since it's her favorite place.

We're also going because we want to take a little spiritual retreat, and the desert is the perfect place to have one. With the help of my pastor mom and a book I recently read, I wrote a guide for this retreat that introduces contemplative prayer. While I'm not completely happy with the guide, I had fun writing it, and want to do more with retreat guides/refection ideas. And more "retreating" for that matter.

Hopefully photos and reflections to come . . .

Also, tomorrow night I'm participating in a 10K through the desert under the full moon (yes, at night). I hope it'll be as epic as it sounds.

A Dreamer

2011-05-10T04:50:00.000-05:00

Some days I dream of the day I will have children. In fact, just the other day I came to the realization that if I naturally have children, most likely they will grow to be taller than me. And that was terrifying to think about.

Some days I dream of the day that all my current exercise will pay off and I will have a great body and have occasions to wear a pretty dress. It's gonna have lace.

Some days I dream of the day I will have job I love and am good at, so that I feel productive and a significant contributor to society and working towards ending poverty. Although this dream still is abstract.

Some days I dream of my future home, my future potential wedding, my future community, future accomplishments.

I've always had trouble living in the here and now. I love to plan. I don't know how to fix it. I know I should focus on how I can best love and serve and grow right here, right now.

God teach me how to live in the "already"; I think I've got the "not yet" covered.

Desert poetry

2011-05-02T07:05:00.000-05:00

From Mt. Nebo

Thanks to Maggie for sharing this poem! I miss you already!

To the Desert

BY BENJAMIN ALIRE SÁENZ

I came to you one rainless August night.

You taught me how to live without the rain.

You are thirst and thirst is all I know.

You are sand, wind, sun, and burning sky,

The hottest blue. You blow a breeze and brand

Your breath into my mouth. You reach—then bend

Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

You wrap your name tight around my ribs

And keep me warm. I was born for you.

Above, below, by you, by you surrounded.

I wake to you at dawn. Never break your

Knot. Reach, rise, blow, Sálvame, mi dios,

Trágame, mi tierra. Salva, traga, Break me,

I am bread. I will be the water for your thirst.

Hospitality, Arab style

2011-04-28T07:07:00.000-05:00

I love good Arab tea, and I try not to think about how much sugar I consume via this tea . . .

My mom asked me for some thoughts about Arab hospitality, so I thought I'd share them here as well. I'm no expert, but here are things I've observed in my time in the Middle East.

While strangers can treat each other with indifference or cutthroat competition, as soon as people are introduced or make some kind of connection, it seems as if they have become family and are willing to help each other in anyway they can. There is no middle ground here. I've seen people get into a fight due to one guy cutting off another in his car. They yell, then they are friends, and sometimes an invitation for tea is given. Hospitality in the home usually starts with an invitation for a cup of tea and ends hours later when you are treated as an irreplaceable part of the family and fed way beyond capacity. This could be offered by anyone. I've enjoyed tea with small Bedouin girls in Petra and wealthy families in Amman. While the conversation may not be engaging, the fact that you are there, spending time together in this ritual somehow bonds you.

Meals are always taken family style, and there is always room for more people to share. You can stop by houses at anytime, and typically you will be served a cold drink, fruit, tea, and dessert. People are always ready to receive guests. There is a room in most homes which has the best furniture, and is reserved for receiving guests. This room is always clean and is often set up in the exact same way. There are expected times when people will visit you in your home; death of a family member, before/after travel, birth of a child, after a wedding. In these times you better not expect to have any time for yourself, as people will be coming to your home, one after another, and you will be expected to serve them. This is their way of paying respect and showing honor.

Apparently Bedouins are most known for their hospitality. I've heard it is their custom to take in any guests to stay with them, and they will wait a full three days before asking them questions about who they are and how long they plan to stay.

It's easy for Westerners to feel like we're imposing. Knowing these people have nothing yet they are feeding me enough food to last a week! These people probably have a lot to do yet here they sit, engaging me and serving me. But it would be a great insult not to accept their hospitality. There is definitely an expectation of reciprocity, from one family to another, but I have found that I can not keep up. They more I try to give, the more they go above and beyond. For example, the family I visit twice a week to hang out, play games, and have language practice is always serving me. Almost every time I go over they feed me dinner, and tea and desserts are served without fail. I've had them over a couple times to serve them dinner, but they almost always they find a way to wash my dishes or fix something in my house- something they would NEVER allow me to do. I've finally given up trying to match their hospitality but have learned to just accept it and be thankful for it.

They definitely teach me about having such a servant- minded attitude. Always ready to serve another; meaning being willing to drop what I'm doing and always keep treats and tea on hand. Always being willing to give based on needs I see; which can range from space in my luggage to hours of my time. Always being mindful of others and remembering what is going on in their lives; for example I was scolded for not calling my Arabic tutor to ask how her son did on his big college-entry tests.

These things make for a very different life, but I really do appreciate the attitudes they foster in me, making me a person who seeks to serve.

Easter celebrations!

2011-04-25T03:34:00.000-05:00

I went to the sunrise service at Mt. Nebo for Easter this year. Even though I had to wake up at 4AM, it was a great way to start off the day! It was a beautiful morning.

I love olive trees!

We had a potluck breakfast afterwards

The children were adorable in their Easter clothes

The view was beautiful, as always

Always amazing to me how close I am to these sites, even though I haven't been to "the other side" since 2006

Hazy view of "the promised land"

Desert flowers

How I spent the rest of my day: reading and napping in the sun, until I realized I had 1 hour to make biscuits and cookies for a potluck dinner I was attending. Mission accomplished.

Where am I? Who am I?

2011-04-11T06:55:00.000-05:00

a gift from a coworker

Starbucks, Caribou Coffee, Safeway, Carrefour, Mango, Zara, Gap, Forever 21, (soon-to-be H&M), Subway, Chili's, McDonalds, Burger King, Popeye's, KFC, Fudruckers, Pizza Hut . . . sometimes I forget how much of the West exists in Amman. Now some of these things come at a hefty price, but honestly Amman has more Western options than some US states have, and about 20 times what my college town offered.

It's easy to live in a Western world here; eat the same food, shop at the same stores, wear the same clothes, and drive your car to wherever you want, whenever you want. And for some people, this is the best option.

I don't aim for total immersion (let's face it, I like my comforts) but I'm not completely isolated either. I have a my foot in the door in several circles, and adapt accordingly. For example, this past weekend I visited a refugee camp an hour out of the city and later attended an exclusive exercise class in the fanciest part of town. Sometimes I change my clothes between work and visiting my old neighbors based on what I feel is appropriate. This blend of East and West can often lead to hilarious encounters (like when I went through the drive-through and the man in the order window literally ran all the way outside in order to look at the menu I was referring to) but can also lead to severe miscommunication. When I'm in a Western frame of mind, sometimes I don't pick up on the Jordanian cues (like the rising of the eyebrows to say "no", or forgetting to offer something multiple times regardless of answer). Or if I'm used to hanging out with Jordanians I can be annoying or insensitive to my Western friends here. It's hard to be all things to all people, but it's definitely required.

I'm always asking, "What is expected of me in this situation? What role do I now play?"

Guest, Hostess, Driver, Passenger, Grant Writer, Co-worker, Friend, Roommate, English teacher, Arabic student, Contact, Patron, Stranger, Organizer, Attendee.

Everyone has roles to play, but when a combination of cultures is thrown into the mix, I can understand how it would be difficult to firmly know your identity. I have a greater sympathy and admiration for kids who have to deal with different sets of cultural norms inside and outside of their home.

I suppose I need to figure out what part of my character should not be compromised, and what I'm willing to let go for the sake of loving my neighbor. I'm not willing to be deceitful even if I live in a country where promises are empty and flattery abundant. I am willing to be treated as less than man, because I know that God thinks differently. I have no problems with eating Subway for the occasional lunch or getting pedicures, but only if I have enough money to consistently and generously give. I need to be able to be honest with everyone about my purpose of coming to and living in Jordan, but I am willing to keep my friends' secrets.

What are your non-negotiables?

Community

2011-04-06T05:51:00.001-05:00

Spring is here!

After I first moved to Jordan, I met many single expat women here who all seemed to desire connection. They wanted to be known. My goal of living in Jordan is different than most others, so I saw part of my calling here would be to find a way that I could help meet this desire for connection.

I've hosted dinners. I've had about 8 women live with me at various times. I've organized outings. I've written notes. But I'm learning that forming and maintaining community is an uphill battle. As people come and go, you constantly have to start over, share yourself again, work around new schedules, and change priorities as different people have different gaps to be filled. Because of this, I feel I have failed, and therefore stopped trying as hard. I know it is impossible for me to support or reach out to all the expat women I know here, but every initiative I've started has been short lived, and this is frustrating to me who is a loyal person committed to follow-through.

I know theoretically that I just need to trust and follow my calling to keep trying, even if I don't see any fruits, but another part of me is tired.

Am I trying to connect with people for their benefit or my own?

Should I depend more on people's interests or my own passion for organized gatherings?

Is this still part of my calling in Jordan?

April

2011-04-03T01:22:00.004-05:00

graffiti near my house

It's a new month, with new opportunities. Another chance to heal relationships. Another shot at meeting personal, physical, and spiritual goals.

This month I will spend more time processing (either verbally or journaling) and less time escaping into fiction.

This month I will write more emails and notes to people I love.

This month I will take more photos, work on my art project, and try new recipes.

This month I will try harder to not be afraid of people's approval, and therefore share more without worrying about what other's think. I will find myself, and be myself, around everyone. I will be honest about what goes on inside of me.

This month I will pray more, love more, see more, be more.

It's going to be a busy month.

new blogging resolve

2011-03-30T05:59:00.003-05:00

I've noticed that 1) I enjoy reading blogs more when they have photos 2)I need to take more photos. Solution- post at least one photo per new blog post.

While these were taken with my iPhone, I will start bringing my dSLR to places more often so I can practice shooting with it.

So here is a short photo story of recent events:

First this is me with a Czech guy that Amy and I helped out in Petra. We're pretty much BFF at this point. (Totally joking, this photo makes me laugh).

Next, a photo of how I spent my Saturday. Cat naps with the cat. Could it get much better?

Finally, these are some really great girls I know. The bigger one is Amy, who has now moved to LA : (, and the cape-wearer is Margie, yes, Margie.

A change of pace

2011-03-22T07:26:00.002-05:00

Since Amy is here, I took a four day weekend to show off some of my favorite places in Amman as well as do some traveling down South. While sore, sunburned, and sleep deprived, it was a much needed change of pace. It is so good to spend time with a friend who you already know and knows you. Instead of getting caught up in life histories or tip toeing around controversial issues we can talk about what we're facing/thinking about now- and it's been tremendously helpful.

On Saturday we went to Wadi Rum. We arrived at 1pm and planned to stay the night in a Bedouin camp, so we spent the afternoon climbing up rocks, reading, journaling, listening, talking, and sitting in the sun until it disappeared behind the rocks. During this time I forced myself to think of all the things I'm afraid of right now and therefore avoiding. Like career choices and future living situations, among many other things I'd rather not think about. I started to list things I was afraid of, and then the opposite page I started listing things I was excited about. I'm determined to move things from the Fear page to the Joy page as I fully confront these things one by one and make some hard decisions. This may lead to changes, but could also be really exciting steps.

While Lent hasn't been structured at all for me (yet), I hope that the rest of this season I can intentionally spend more time like I did in the desert; praying, processing, and listening- because I don't want to let the time slip by where I am not fully aligned with my purpose.

A Lenten desert poem

2011-03-15T08:04:00.002-05:00

The desert is a place where God hides-

where it takes more effort than I’ve ever had to put in-

where I have to look under ever rock and listen ever so closely to each breath of wind.

I’m ashamed of my laziness-

for not doing my part in this game of hide-and-seek-

for waiting to see if things will get easier-

hoping that I could create a new reality with the right combination of schedule and company.

The desert isn’t the place to be reminded that I’m loved, but rather a reminder that I am but a grain of sand.

It’s here that I am taught that the world will go on just fine without me, that I control nothing, that everything is so much bigger than I can fathom.

It’s an exercise in trust, in waiting, in silence.

And it’s hard.

It’s here, in the pressure cooker, that we have to hold firm to our convictions and fight for them; or we will become a cog in the wheel of apathy.

It’s here, amidst the bleak landscape, that we have to drive longer and search harder for beauty; or we will be content with sand while brilliant red poppies are waiting to inspire us just beyond the wall.

The desert is a place where God hides-

yet when found in this barren land-

I can now see why God chose this land to introduce us to himself.

Consuming fire

Gentle wind

Mountaintop cloud

Pillar of smoke-

You are here.

Adventures with Amy (and more)

2011-03-13T07:28:00.003-05:00

While I did put in a full week of work this past week, I still managed to jam pack the week full of fun and hang out time. Not only am I spending time with visiting friend Amy, but also two other friends are leaving tomorrow for America and we're doing many "final hurrah's". Like playing Settlers of Catan. Like "Jazz" night at Canvas restaurant. Like vising those restaurants they always wanted to but never did. Like making those favorite cupcake donuts for the final time. (Actually I'm still hoping for this one).

Then, on Friday, despite the cold and rainy weather, we all trekked up to the ancient Roman ruins of Jerash and castle of Ajloun. Several of us had never been. Others wanted to see it in its full green beauty one last time. (Thanks to the Amy's for letting me steal their pics).

Amy and me at Jerash

All of us at Ajloun Castle. I'll miss these guys.

Ajloun

Yesterday four of us drove 2 hours South to go hiking in one of the many beautiful wadis here in Jordan. This one was expressed to be a favorite of my roommate, so we bravely went on tiny winding roads through unknown villages filled with sheep to find a spot so beautiful it looked fake.

Hiking through the water into the dark canyon

This week will be less busy, but hopefully no less fun as the weather warms up a bit. So far, March has been a great month.

I'm still figuring out how I want to mark the season of Lent (even though it already started). Let me know if you have any thoughts or suggestions.

Guest Posting on "dot . . . in the city"

2011-03-13T05:01:00.001-05:00

I was able to write a guest post for my cousin Beth's blog for Friday about Amman, Jordan.

Read about it here!

Thanks Beth!

Ash Wednesday

2011-03-09T01:54:00.002-06:00

I have been a part of many different church traditions, and appreciate what many have to offer. One of the rituals of the Episcopal/Presbyterian church which is especially meaningful to me is marking the start of the Lenten season with an Ash Wednesday service.

Remembering that we are dust, and expressing repentance.

Self-examination and self-denial.

These things are often neglected in the Protestant church, and while I don't think we should wallow in guilt everyday, Lent is a perfect opportunity to remember the greatness of God and our own failings to measure up. To remember our need for grace and mercy. To knock down that pride that society is so good at building up.

Tonight my roommates and I (along with Amy) will be having a small service following the Book of Common Prayer but also incorporating a few elements of our own. I LOVE things like this. Participatory worship. Priesthood of all believers. Small, intimate gatherings.

The past couple days I've had a few tastes of music and poetry which have really moved me. While I haven't decided about how to mark this season, I think finding time to both receive blessing and express love through the arts should be a part of it.

Maybe I can more intentionally focus on LOVE (my word of the year) through this.

I hope you have a meaningful Ash Wednesday.

If the lost word is lost, if the spent word is spent
If the unheard, unspoken
Word is unspoken, unheard;
Still is the unspoken word, the Word unheard,
The Word without a word, the Word within
The world and for the world;
And the light shone in darkness and
Against the Word the unstilled world still whirled
About the centre of the silent Word.

O my people, what have I done unto thee.

Where shall the word be found, where will the word
Resound? Not here, there is not enough silence
Not on the sea or on the islands, not
On the mainland, in the desert or the rain land,
For those who walk in darkness
Both in the day time and in the night time
The right time and the right place are not here
No place of grace for those who avoid the face
No time to rejoice for those who walk among noise and deny the voice

-excerpt from T S Eliot “Ash Wednesday”

Istanbul and D2R

2011-03-06T04:18:00.002-06:00

It's been quite the week. Last week, on Monday, I boarded a plane to meet my dear college friend Amy in Istanbul for 2 nights. You can read a little of our adventures here. Although much chillier than I was used to, I loved my time in the city as we drank tea, wandered bazaars, and I drooled over beautiful bowls and hats. Our Bosphorous cruise and long walks with Amy did my heart good.

We flew back on Wednesday night, only to repack and leave again at noon on Thursday for quite the adventure. Even though my experience last year was painful, I decided to run in the Dead2Red relay race again this year. But this time, with an all young American women's team. 242 kilometers with 10 runners, 2 vans, 2 drivers, one photographer/timekeeper, and countless encouragers. It took us 23 hours and 13 minutes. We were the last team to finish, but we finished! Considering one girl had to stop due to dehydration; others battled severe pain, nausea, diarrhea, and other health related issues; and 3 of our team members were recruited about 2-3 weeks ago- we couldn't have been more proud of ourselves. One of my team members blogged more about it here.

We were rewarded in Aqaba by a cheering crowd, medals, a feast fit for a king, half price at a swanky resort, beautiful weather, pedicures, and an air show.

Now it's back to reality, but with Amy for over 2 more weeks. I'm sure I'll soon have more adventures to share.

Photos to come soon.

This week . . .

2011-02-20T04:46:00.002-06:00

I'm thankful for:

a beautiful sunny weekend
a skype chat with an old friend (after more than 2 years)
yummy breakfast at Wild Jordan with a new friend
my weekly opportunity to play ultimate frisbee
only 1 more week before I see Amy in Istanbul
discovering delicious new ways to eat lentils
a surprise gift of an easel
a calm political climate in Jordan
the fact that not only could I understand, but also apply this week's message at Arabic church
friends which are patient with me
my return to coffee
Fancy- my rented car (and the nice man who rented it to me and came to rescue me when I locked my keys inside)
the ability to play my music while driving (I heart Jonsi)
wearing striped socks with heels
the upcoming Dead2Red and how it is motivating me to run (11 days- eek)
my family's prayers and the God who takes care of me everyday

Transitional Living

2011-02-17T04:13:00.002-06:00

This week I'll drive a friend to the airport as she leaves Jordan for good. All the girls I've lived with the past year (4) will be leaving Jordan in the next few months. But this is expected. Rarely do expats come here with an open ending, usually people sign 6 month-2 year contracts with sending organizations. Summers are a time filled with new faces, usually young enthusiastic college students, but they also quickly disappear. I now only know a few "foreigners" who have been here as long as I have, which is strange, as I've only been here 2 years.

I am a firm believer that there is not one or even two "right" ways to live overseas. Different personalities, circumstances, and purposes lead people to made daily decisions which will differ from others who may have the purest intentions. But that being said, I quickly picked up on and rejected the idea that in my time here, some people are not worth getting to know. It's easy to fall into judging someone's worth by their length of stay. Like my efforts to love someone would be wasted because they'll no longer live in Jordan after 3 months. Is it exhausting to try and pour into everyone? Heck yes. Do I think I should taper my efforts to reach out in order to preserve some sort of emotional stability? No.

Along with this comes the idea that you have a friend quota. This is equally relevant in the States. While we all have limited time and resources, do we really have limited affection? Should we ever resist meeting new people?

Maybe it's because I've lived in 8 States. Maybe it's because I used to live among military families. Maybe because some of the most treasured times of my life were experiences like summer camps, study abroad, or short trips. But I don't think time should be considered as a limitation or determining factor in getting to know someone.

Even if we never attempt to stay in touch, we all have things we can teach each other in the here and now. Let's make the most of it.

To Whom it May Concern-

2011-02-10T06:43:00.002-06:00

Why are you so far from me?

In my arms is where you are to be.

How long will you make me wait?

I don't know how much more I can take.

I've missed you, but I haven't met you. Oh but I want to, how I do.

Slowly counting down the days 'till I finally know your name,

the way your hand feels round my waist,

the way you laugh,

the way your kisses taste.

I've missed you, but I haven't met you. Oh but I want to, how I do, how I do.

I've missed you, but I haven't met you. Oh I miss you, but I haven't met you.

I've missed you, but I haven't met you. Oh but I want to, oh but I want to.

Dear whoever you might be: I'm still waiting patiently.

-The Civil Wars

Happy Anniversary to me!

2011-02-07T01:21:00.001-06:00

Yesterday marked 2 years since I arrived in Amman, Jordan.

Egypt

2011-02-06T07:30:00.002-06:00

It's been fascinating living in the Middle East over the past week. While politics, even Middle Eastern ones, are typically something I have to force myself to read/keep up with- this past week I couldn't read enough about the situation in Egypt. Maybe because I used to live there and learned a lot about daily life in Cairo. Maybe because I currently know half a dozen or so expats there. Maybe because I have Egyptian friends here who love their country. Maybe because I'm so close both in proximity and culturally- I feel a connection.

I don't think anyone saw this coming, and my guess is as good as anyone's as to what will come next, but whatever happens, history has been made. And I'm really proud of all the Egyptian people who came together this past week to seek change. I'm amazed by all the acts of kindness, sense of community, and sheer bravery. I hope that the moments where Christians and Muslims protected one another will continue even after these major events are over. I hope that the feeling of being a part of something great will inspire the youth to be innovative and work hard to achieve great things. I hope that whatever ruling power that comes next will have the ability to bring about lasting change and help Egypt's unemployed and impoverished. I hope that these events will prove to the world that stereotypes and assumptions are often false and will serve as an example that anything is possible.

What can I say? I'm an idealist.

Word of the Year

2011-01-31T06:02:00.002-06:00

Last week my ever-blogging cousin posted about choosing a "word of the year" as an easy to remember theme which will motivate us for 2011. I really liked the concept, but felt intimidated with choosing one word in which I would be stuck with for 12 months. I had a few good ideas, like "seek" or "rest", but I wanted one which I would be excited about, one which would inspire me to write and paint and read, and one in which I had room for a lot of growth.

LOVE

Learning to love God with all my being

Loving those around me, and acting on that love- generosity

Telling people I love them- in person, over email, making cards

Being more risky in giving love, and not worrying about "wasted" effort

Spending time doing things I love, which bring me to life

Maybe next year will be joy . . .

Photos from Paris aka learning how to use my camera

2011-01-25T15:09:00.000-06:00

Paris: the final 2 days

2011-01-24T06:42:00.003-06:00

I know all those reading this blog have been anxiously awaiting to read about my remaining time in Paris, so I will relieve your suffering and conclude. But honestly, I didn't do very much in this last day and a half.

I slept in. I found a place to get internet. I walked. I finished a Jasper Fforde novel. I ate a raspberry tart. I journaled. I walked some more (this time along the canal, in the rain). I bought some presents for my roommates. I sat at a restaurant for a couple hours watching the lights on the roof of the Hotel d'Ville twinkle.

Final words on Paris:

Beautiful city! Beautiful people! Perfect place to start my new hobby of photography.
Next time I will ride a bicycle.
I love the Eiffel Tower. Both discovering the views and ice skating(!) at the top as well as watching it twinkle, on the hour, after 10pm.
Crepes should become a staple in my cooking/eating.
I was stopped an estimated 5 times on the street as French people asked me for directions (I think) in French. I take this to be a sign that I dressed the part. Good thing Jordan has given me practice with the I'm sorry I only speak English face.
Constant good espresso. How have I lived without this thus far?
Food is really expensive, but so good. I still can't decide if I'm thankful or disappointed my stomach felt sick the entire week not allowing me to eat.
Parisian parks are just as quaint and lovely as I imagined them to be. Some even have wireless!
I took 18 metro rides, and still had to consult the map several times each ride. It's incredibly complicated.
I love bell towers and stained glass more than ever.

I'll try to post another little slideshow of some of my other photos sometime this week. Otherwise, thus concludes my first journey to France.

Paris: Day 6 of 8

2011-01-22T14:58:00.004-06:00

I climbed the equivalent of over 40 floors, 668 steps to the 2nd floor of the Eiffel tower-

Too see this-

And this-

I also visited Musee Rodin-

And Musee d'Orsay, but they don't allow photos.

Paris: Day 5 of 8

2011-01-19T14:09:00.002-06:00

Climbed Notre Dame Cathedral Bell Tower and made friends with Quasimodo

Visited Saint Chapelle off of recommendations, and was not disappointed
Of course, the Louvre

Efficiency

2011-01-19T06:43:00.002-06:00

So much of my American mindset is finding the most time and energy efficient way to do things. If something causes hassle, I am annoyed and try to think of any possible way to avoid this hassle. Like doing business online rather than in person and getting things delivered to my house or office instead of me going out to fetch them.

Yet in many areas of the world, including the Middle East, efficiency is not the highest priority. Time is not money. Walking to five different shops to do grocery shopping is the preferred way.

This is amazingly contrary to my being, yet is shaping me in a very healthy way.

I spend 6 or so hours a week sitting at my neighbors, talking about nothing in particular, playing games, and watching the children vie for attention. In order to do anything with my bank, I walk 20 minutes each way, wait for an available bank worker, and explain patiently several times what I need done. I think taxi drivers deliberately drive in the most congested areas, causing me to sit in traffic daily. I've thought about using this time for studying vocabulary or reading, but I don't.

Where relationships and routine take precedence, things just take longer. Instead of figuring out how many things I can fit into one afternoon, I am required to spread things out, set my productivity goals low, and relish in this time to live slowly and deliberately.

Paris: Day 3 and 4 of 8

2011-01-15T14:36:00.003-06:00

After the culinary experience I so proudly bragged about in my last post, my stomach decided it was a firm patriot. I vomited through the night and tried to get myself together for work the next morning. I met everyone at my organizations HQ, and had several important meetings in which I thought I would never make it through. Finally, I vomited again, and decided to call it quits for th day. 16 hours of sleep later, I felt much better.

The second day at the office went much better, and it was fun to be a part of a large office environment for a change.

After lugging my ridiculous amount of luggage around Paris for the 4th time, I arrived in my hotel for the rest of the week.

Two strange facts about France-

1. old hotels have bathrooms in each room without toilets. I probably search my room 6 times before I was brave enough to start searching else where.

2. French keyboards are AZERTY instead of QWERTY. This also took me longer than it should have as I stared at the keys in wonderment. Why only change the letters at the edges? It lulls you into thinking you can type until suddenly "Margie" is "?qrgie"

p.s. yes, I realize I'm behind and that I'm actually not in France anymore, I'll get caught up

Paris: Day 2 of 8

2011-01-09T15:21:00.002-06:00

Escargots, fromage, pâté, croissants, café, brioche dorée.

Notre Dame, Panthéon, Jardin du Luxembourg, River Seine, Montmartre, Moulin Rouge.

Sophie, Auriélie, Kelly.

Très bon.

Paris: Day 1 of 8

2011-01-08T12:09:00.002-06:00

Spring air. Motorbikes everywhere. People are beautiful. Buildings are grander than I imagined.

I feel excited, yet nervous and exhausted from my trip.

I'm thankful for my work friends and their time and help.

So far my plans include walking as far as my legs will take me and drinking as much cafe as I am able.

USA

2011-01-08T11:55:00.002-06:00

Today/Yesterday ended my 4 week stay in the US of A. It was a great visit and didn't feel long enough, which is suppose a good way to feel about visits. Highlights included:

- A snowy weekend in Chicago with dear friends. Waking up at 5 and killing time in the hotel pool.

- One week with my brother in MI: seeing his apartment, meeting his girlfriend, going to so many yummy restaurants. I have the best brother.

- Being told to get out of the way because we were in the shot with Bruce Willis on the street in GR.

- Road trip to DC. Driving through IN, OH, PA, MD, DC; listening to Radiolab and my brother's music- so great.

- Finally seeing my parents in their new home, my mom's church's manse.

- Eating seafood, pork, and many ethnic foods.

- Seeing all of my dear grandparents on multiple occasions.

- Hiking and lunch with cousins.

- Phone calls at normal hours with friends.

- Getting to know my brother's girlfriend.

- Hulu and Pandora.

- New Years Weekend in Baltimore and breakfast in Charlottesville to see grad school friends.

- Photography class.

- Running along the Potomac with my dad.

- Shopping with my mom.

- Regaining fashion confidence.

- Grocery shopping. Seriously.

It was a great month, and living in the US doesn't sound as terrible anymore as it once did.

4:45 am

2010-12-09T05:06:00.002-06:00

That's the time my driver is taking me to the airport tomorrow morning.

I'm excited about going, nervous about getting everything done before then, and somewhat dreading the series of long flights (Amman-Paris, Paris-Philly, Philly-Chicago).

But today, after a late morning of eating cereal with my cat, catching a taxi to work, and being the first to arrive in my sunny office, I thought "Yes." I can still do this. While I need this break now more than ever, I'll miss this place and will be excited to resume here after my vacation. I have hopes for what this next year can bring in the realms of language, work experience, health, friends, and spiritual growth. I love my house, my cat, my friends. I'm thankful for the opportunities I have. And I'm not done with Jordan yet, even if I may have thought so last week.

After a few goodbyes and last minute things on my to-do list, the adventure will begin. Oh so early.

Saying goodbye

2010-12-06T06:10:00.002-06:00

Last night, after she spent 24 hours in jail, we said goodbye to Ella, our Filipino friend. After all the abuse, injustice, and unbelievably hard life she has had here in Jordan, she was treated like a criminal by the police and insignificant to her former employer. But it's over. We made quite the scene as 6 Western (mostly blonde) girls stormed that police station last night to give Ella her belongings and final goodbyes. The guards literally didn't know what to do with themselves. With the help from her network in Amman and our networks around the globe, we were able to raise enough money to send her home and give her some money to fulfill her dream of starting a small business in Manila where she can live with her daughters. She's an extraordinary woman who was able to use her night in jail to minister to the other Filipino women there (when she wasn't forced to clean)- encouraging them to stay strong in their trust in God and collecting messages to deliver back to their families in the Philippines.

Today, one of my dear Iraqi coworkers (who reads this blog!) is in Amman with her children as they leave Baghdad for good. They no longer feel safe, and are seeking refuge in Europe or Great Britain.

My dear friend Ali is leaving Amman at the end of this month after two solid years of full time Arabic study to pursue a new calling. She dreams of living long term with the Arabic speaking poor in some of the hardest places. We'll say our goodbyes this week before I leave.

Jordan is transitional in nature. The majority of the population are not Jordanian, but rather Palestinian, Egyptian, or Iraqi. Arabs and Westerners alike pass through as Jordan is a great temporary place to be. Those who are here long term put up (necessary?) walls in order to protect themselves from too much loss or a million shallow relationships. My friend Amy asked me the other day how I'm doing with having to say goodbye so often. I honestly don't know.

The question of affiliation

2010-12-01T07:52:00.003-06:00

Usually I'm thankful I'm not with a "sending organization" here in Jordan like almost all of my friends. Strict lifestyle rules, required weekly meetings, newsletters, fundraising, authority- no thank you. I'm proud that I landed a job in the field I studied and that I'm advancing within this job. I'm proud that I don't need anyone doing my day-to-day business for me and that I can take care of myself. I'm proud that I'm responsible enough to make my own decisions about what I wear and what time I'm home at night. Perhaps too proud.

Within the first few months of living in Amman I saw the need for community. I needed it, and most of my friends around me needed it. Hence I started recruiting roommates and experimented with a few house churches.

Yet even now, almost 2 years later, I feel like I lack what those around me have. I spent Thanksgiving alone since my roommates had company dinners. I don't have a network of older people here who are looking out for me and give me advice. I don't have people and resources to help me with culture shock or re-entry.

It's weird not having many working friends. It's weird to see how interconnected everyone is among the expats, and yet I feel like an outsider looking in.

Questions arise: Do I need this web to stay healthy here? Where am I seeking community and where should I? Should I seek out older authority figures? How can I remain spiritually healthy when I seem to have spiritual needs unlike anyone else I know? With whom should I spend the majority of my free time? How can I find and connect with others like me?

I dream of starting a participatory house church for others without a spiritual family, but at this point I can't think of anyone who would be interested or have the time. I guess this is where prayer comes in.

Advent Season

2010-11-29T01:55:00.002-06:00

I'm very thankful I grew up in a church tradition involving liturgy and seasons. Occasionally I forget that many people who may be very familiar with the church have never seen a Common Book of Prayer or think Lent is only for Catholics.

When I realized that yesterday was the first Sunday of Advent, I was excited to share, and one of my friends said, "Isn't that the calendar with the chocolates behind each door?" It's tragic to me, so I feel that I am entrusted to share the meaning of Advent with all who associate it with chocolate.

Advent is a season in the church calendar before Christmas focusing on the awaiting of coming of the Christ. Many churches will light one candle each Sunday leading up to Christmas Eve where all 5 candles, including the Christ candle. Advent themes include a light in the darkness, the first and second coming, expectant waiting and preparation.

I hope to change my routine a bit this advent so I don't get lost in the craziness that is December.

Lord Jesus,
Master of both the light and the darkness, send your Holy Spirit upon our preparations for Christmas.
We who have so much to do seek quiet spaces to hear your voice each day.
We who are anxious over many things look forward to your coming among us.
We who are blessed in so many ways long for the complete joy of your kingdom.
We whose hearts are heavy seek the joy of your presence.
We are your people, walking in darkness, yet seeking the light.
To you we say, “Come Lord Jesus!”
Amen.
By Henri Nouwen
Other resources:
Daily Advent Prayers from Creighton
The words to the most well known advent song
Biblegateway's Advent devotional newsletter

I'm thankful for-

2010-11-25T12:17:00.003-06:00

the opportunity to live overseas. I know many people dream of it but the logistics keep it from becoming a reality.
a job in the field I studied. Even if I am not in International Development my whole life, I'm thankful I have a chance to learn more about what this work is, and play a part in giving aid to people in need.
a great living situation. Not only do I now have a beautiful apartment in a trendy part of town, I live with two great women and a ridiculous cat. What more could I ask for?
going home for Christmas! Since I work with a French org, I have insane amounts of vacation time, and I'll use 4 weeks of it to go to the US! I leave two weeks from tomorrow, and I'll get to visit my friend in Chicago for a weekend, my brother in Grand Rapids for a week, and my parents in NoVA for 3! I haven't been home this long since I moved hear almost 2 years ago, so I'm very excited.
sunny and warm days with cool nights
God's patience with me
good health
my family and friends
a trip to France. Finally, my organization is sending me to Paris for a week in January. Oh la la!
ultimate frisbee. While I'm still no better, I've been playing ultimate every week for the past year and a half. Such fun.
Christmas lights. I have 4 strands. Instant happiness.
new endeavors. Whether it's baking, planting, or simple electrical work I've been enjoying trying new things lately.
Jordan. While this country often frustrates me, it really is a moderate, comfortable, and functional country that is on the right track in a lot of ways.
my sweet neighbors (even if they're not my neighbors anymore)
who God created me to be. This one is hard, but I've been learning more to thank God for who I am and how I'm gifted, rather than gripe about the ways I'm not gifted.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T05:48:00.002-06:00

Thanks if you prayed for Ella, because things are happening! A human rights lawyer took interest in her case and convinced her old employer to return her documents without compensation! Hooray! Hopefully she'll be home within the month.

In other news, last week was Eid Al-Adha, a week long break from work due to religious festivities centering around slaughtering sheep in remembrance of Abraham's sacrifice. I did well averting my eyes to not see anything bloody.

My roommates and I took advantage of this break and moved to the old flat of my friend Maryanne who has since returned to Canada. The huge windows which are filled with sunlight in the mornings, the view, the brightly colored walls, the instantly hot shower, the massive kitchen, the queen size bed- let's just say we're all really happy to live here now. I've already started decorating for Christmas- and it's beautiful. Once we get the final pieces of furniture in this weekend, I'll share photos.

I hope everyone has a great thanksgiving day. I've planned a big dinner for Sunday night, so tonight will probably be spent eating leftovers for the 4th night in a row. It's hard to get in the spirit when it's 80 degrees outside and there's no commercial hype. Hopefully I can still be especially thankful this weekend.

Ella

2010-11-14T05:43:00.002-06:00

I used to be a member of a gym here. On my last visit there, I met a Filipino woman who worked as a cleaner who was extremely eager for a friend. My more patient friends started to befriend her, especially my friend Allison. Over time, Allison and Ella got to know each other really well, and we started to learn about Ella's story. Ella started to spend what little time she had off work at Allison's house and with our circle of friends. She's a dear, shy, emotionally needy, and fun-loving Christian who turned 33 today. We threw her a party on Friday night complete with dinner and dancing. Here's part of her story written by Allison:

--her story is one of MANY but basically she came to jordan a year ago to work for a family here, but after abuse of all sorts (specifically sexual abuse from the dad and son) she chose to flee to amman leaving her papers behind.

--since then she's been working/living illegally in jordan and daily lives with the fear that she'll be found out and put in jail. without her papers, it's impossible for her to ever go home or to get a job that pays and treats her well. she's slowly just exhausting herself...but feels forced to in order to keep her job, bc there are so many other women out there in the same situation who can fill it.

--her husband left her a few years back for another women and she's the sole supporter of her 2 young girls (9 and 4 yrs old). her dream, and the reason she's working so hard, is to see them finish university and live a life far from the poverty she's known.

--the past few weeks i've been talking with her past agency and employer, they've really been so helpful but the reality is that since she left her contract early, she needs to reimburse her employer $800 (from the $2000 that he paid originally to bring her from the phillipines) before he'll return her papers. AND she needs to show her agency a copy of her ticket home before they will close her file/police report (to ensure she won't just stay in jordan and work for someone else). on average tickets between amman and manila are $500.

--prior to jordan, immediately after her husband left her, she took out a high-interest loan to get to hong kong to work in a home there but left her contract early after having hot oil poured on her arm after she burned a piece of chicken. seriously. so part of her salary now is going towards paying off that debt ($600 still remaining)

--her future is so uncertain but what HAS been confirmed is that the return of her papers is imperative and needs to be accomplished ASAP, and in order to get them back, she needs to go home. so the goal is to meet with her employer and agency by the end of this month and get her on a plane to manila prior to when i leave on the 21st of dec. all in all, including payment of her outstanding debt, we need to raise ~$2000.

If anyone is interested in giving to Ella, send me an email and I'll give you Allison's email for Paypal or her parents' physical address.

Please pray for this process and for her and her family too.

Lastly, if you have any ideas of future options for her, we would love to hear them. She's a university graduate with a teaching degree and there just aren't options in the Philippines that pay well enough for her to stay there and provide for her family. Dream with us on her behalf.

Photos!

2010-11-09T01:51:00.002-06:00

Some photos of my recent trip to Suleymania and fun things around Amman. All taken with my iPhone, sorry. I'll get a real camera over Christmas.

On a site visit, looking at a small vegetable garden of a villager

On a site visit, admiring a greenhouse which provides produce to the villagers.

Every night in Iraq, I played backgammon with my coworkers

In Amman. Do you see this? Sweet Valley High. These were for sale nearby Trapper Keepers. Where has this stuff been for the past 15 years?

This is Black Cumin Oil for sale at a local grocery store. In case you can't read the label, I'll help you out: "Remedy to all diseases except death."

I've been cooking a lot recently from scratch. For example: biscuits, sweet potato soup, persimmon bread, donut cupcakes, pumpkin frozen custard (the first stage shown above), applesauce. I love it.

My cat Noosa is ridiculous and is never far when I'm at home.

Blogging a blog update about this blog

2010-11-08T03:16:00.002-06:00

So while I was attending Taylor University, a nearby town was called Gas City, and they seriously had a sign which said "City of Gas City City Hall" to mark their city hall. I don't think it's there anymore, but this is what inspired the title of this post.

So I started this blog four years ago when I studied abroad in Egypt for a semester during my senior year at TU. While my attention to it has waxed and waned over the years, I'm pretty sure (and too lazy to verify) I've never left it for longer than a month. In the beginning it was to avoid having to send out mass emails about my time in Egypt, and then it came a space where I could just let those who were interested know about what I was doing, but usually more of what I was thinking. I still don't think I have a very specific purpose for this space, but I like having it, even if the whole idea of blogging is a bit pretentious.

I love reading blogs. I have some very talented friends and family who blog and I have them all in my google reader so I don't miss a single post. I also read random blogs about baking, woman struggling to plan their weddings (I still have no idea why I love APW, but I do), and a few webcomics. In case you also want to read these blogs, I decided to list them in my side bar. I have a few friends who are convinced I'm the only one who reads their blogs, and while I'm sure this isn't true, I feel like more people should benefit from such great writers/thinkers/human beings.

So thanks to all of you who read my blog, and if you have any blog suggestions for me (either new blogs to read or suggestions for this blog), let me know!

Arabic

2010-11-04T06:30:00.002-05:00

from slate.com

Arabic for me is usually a source of dread, panic, or fear. I've lived here almost two years now, and my "skills" in Arabic are still sorely lacking. Yet I now know that:

amount of time spent in the Middle East ≠ knowledge of Arabic

Almost every expat I know here is somehow learning Arabic, but all in different ways. Everyone knows the basics, and are used interchangeably with English since EVERYONE knows ____. But there's this sense of hesitation to use more than the basics with your American friends. What if they don't know this and I make them look/feel stupid? What if they think I'm showing off? So often, I have no idea what level of proficiency any of my friends are unless we are put in a situation with Arabs where Arabic is necessary. And that happens much less frequently then one would imagine.

I cringe when people (usually in the US) inquire "how my Arabic is coming" and give vague answers in reply. But really, what concrete answer can there be? "I'm still learning" or "It's coming"? There are no standardized levels so one can answer with confidence "I've just started level 3!" unless you are conversing within a certain school. But there are so many variables. What kind of Arabic are you studying (spoken or classical)? Are you full time or part time? Which method/school? Class or private tutor? How often are you able to practice? Are you learning to read and write or just speak?

And even with those, it isn't if you can calculate a person's proficiency.

((156 hours studied) x (5 for Kelsey method)^2 (for private tutor) x (3 for visiting neighbors regularly))/2 for speaking only= I have an Arabic score of 5850!!

Unfortunately, personal skill plays a major role in one's language learning. I've noticed people are generally faster at learning if: they already know 2 languages or more, they have an outgoing personality, they aren't afraid to look foolish, they study Arabic full time. I'm 0 for 4. Since Arabic is the first language I've ever really tried to learn, I'm only now realizing that language learning is never ending continuum- I mean, what really is fluency?

Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely thankful I have this opportunity to learn Arabic and practice it on a daily basis. Sometimes during my weekly tutoring sessions or neighbor visits I actually say something right and it's exciting. I definitely want Arabic to be a part of my life for many years to come.

But too often a shopkeeper or taxi driver will say something to me and I can't even pick out a single word, so I just give him this blank stare which I have perfected meaning, "I'm a dumb foreigner and I don't have a clue what you're saying to me. I'm sorry."

Walking in normalcy

2010-11-01T03:29:00.003-05:00

I'm back in Amman, back at work, back with my roommates, and back to my busy schedule after-work activities. For now. Only a little over a month until I travel back to the States. I know it will come quickly.

Last night after work I met a friend for dinner. It was a cool night, I had time and good shoes, which meant I walked. And walked. I walked to the restaurant and then walked most of the way home. Most people in this city don't walk. They drive or take one of many public transportation options. But this city isn't very big, and it often baffles me why I have the "sidewalks" to myself. But I take advantage of the loud traffic and lack of people around to practice my show tunes and think about life.

I tried to talk myself out of the jealousy I currently have for others and be content with who I am and my current circumstances in life. I tried to enjoy the night and let joy fill me. I tried to relish in my freedom. I tried to be excited about the upcoming year and what it could bring.

I think realizing that circumstances rarely affect the basic struggles and loves of life is a lesson that I will continually learn. No matter where I live or how I fill my days, I am still the same person, with the same relationship with God and the same inner dialog. It's kind of a depressing and reassuring thought all at the same time.

I think of my walks in the past 25 years- through the woods as a child (often getting lost), around neighborhoods, through parks, around campus, around the city. No matter where I've lived, walks have been a major part of my emotional and spiritual health, and I believe they always will be. I can only wonder where I'll walk in the future.

Suleymania

2010-10-26T15:32:00.003-05:00

This week I'm in Northern Iraq in a place called Suleymania. This area is part of "Kurdistan," so since all the people are Kurdish, it doesn't really feel like I'm in Iraq, whatever that may feel like. This is my third time in N. Iraq, the first two times in Erbil.

I love these business trips. I love spending time with my coworkers from Baghdad. I love the long dinners where we laugh for hours. I love staying in hotels. I love seeing new things. I love going shopping in the suuq, and being on the receiving end of so much generosity.

Our team works hard during the day, but then we spend the nights together out. Last night we went to the amusement park where we all rode bumper cars. We eat a lot of kebab. The last three nights we've stayed out late playing backgammon and smoking sheesha.

Today, we tagged along with another NGO on a field visit into the mountains. It was so beautiful I couldn't believe it. We visited one family's greenhouse, another's beehives, and saw a few small scale construction projects. We ate lunch in a home and ate produce right off the plants. I speak no Kurdish, but we had some interpreters, so were able to hear some stories.

I haven't been this happy in a long time. The combination of being among the poor (who are benefiting from small scale development projects), being with people I really like, and being in the beautiful countryside was enough to put me on a high better than any fruit tobacco can produce.

I wonder what living here would be like. I wonder how my gifts and trainings can be combined with spending more time with actual beneficiaries of projects. It makes a world of difference when you spend time with the cute woman who tends the cucumbers in the greenhouse who can't stop smiling with pride over her garden. Or being invited by another woman to come and spend a few days living with her and her family so I can learn how to make Kurdish bread. Or seeing something come to fruition when you've only imagined it in order to write proposals and reports.

I also have found it fascinating being with Mennonites from N. America together with devoted Muslims from Baghdad. I fit in neither group, but also have enough connections I can engage both groups with confidence. While we are all very different people, we all want the same thing with our projects- to help the vulnerable poor of Iraq regain their autonomy and lead healthier and safer lives. We all see human life as sacred and worth working for.

Times like this, I wouldn't want any other job.

Ups and downs

2010-10-20T03:32:00.002-05:00

Here in Jordan it's so easy to be affected by simple day to day interactions and experiences which either make or break a day. A rude taxi driver. A friendly shopkeeper. Traffic. An email from home. Hours of work with no result. A breakthrough in language learning.

Sometimes I'm treated like an untouchable treasure. American. Single. English speaking. Beautiful.

Other times I'm treated like I have a disability. Woman. Foreigner. Unmarried. Non-Arabic speaker.

I hate that I'm so affected by daily circumstances and interactions. Today, I was passed up by 10 taxis as I tried to get to work. 10! I'm still grouchy.

Why can't I see things in perspective? Why can't I choose joy every morning and live by it? Why is living here such an emotional strain?

The Vespa saga

2010-10-18T07:44:00.003-05:00

So many of you may know I've been trying to buy a Vespa scooter in Jordan for 4 months.

4 months.

4 months I've been making regular trips to the shop, demanding to know what they've been doing. 4 months I've been asking advice from everyone I know, getting letters from everyone ranging from my boss to the American Embassy. 4 months have given me enough time to think of every detail of being a scooter owner and I've shopped accordingly. 4 months I've been emotionally wrapped up in the process, making my mood swing like a pendulum.

Today I finally brought the right kind of letter to the American Embassy, had it notarized, and then brought it to the Ministry of Interior with my Vespa selling friend. While the minister was genuinely impressed by the letter, no progress was made. Tomorrow I'll bring another copy of my passport and residency card to the salesman so he can return.

Times like this one realizes how beautiful an efficient working system really is. I just have to take everyone's word for what is going on, what the laws are, and what will happen in the future. And not everyone here is true to their word.

I'm learning I'm ridiculously optimistic as I should've given up after 2 months, yet I'm still trying. And trying.

If I ever get the permission and subsequent scooter, I'm throwing a party. And a big one.

And then I will sell the movie rights.

TV: A Confession

2010-10-17T02:25:00.002-05:00

While we don't currently have a TV in our flat, we do all have laptops, an internet connection, and easy access to downtown DVD shops. Because of this, I currently follow a lot of TV shows. I'm a little embarrassed by it, but I've found that most expats here are similar. I don't know if we all crave American culture, or feel like we're still connected to our friends back home who also follow these shows, or we're in more need of some sort of mindless break from the constant battle of communication and productivity- all that to say, I watch a lot of TV. I watch most with my friend Amy. Every Friday I go to her house and we watch four shows back to back. They are:

Glee- my personal favorite. If you've never heard of this show, you probably don't get out much, considering I feel like I see references all the time, and I live in the Middle East. The music is really well done and entertaining, the characters are dramatic and fun, it's an all around show which I look forward to every week.

How I Met Your Mother- a sitcom about a group of friends in NYC told from the perspective of Ted to his kids later in life about how he met his wife/their mother. This is one of those shows that you need to watch with others so you can reference and quote frequently. So many funny lines, and Neil Patrick Harris makes me happy inside.

The Big Bang Theory- another sitcom about four extremely nerdy and socially awkward guys and their lives as theoretical physicists/space engineers/etc. Sheldon makes the show and actually reminds me of past friends.

Chuck- a show about an awkward guy who works for the CIA with his hot girlfriend. While I was pretty much done with this show after the first season, Amy loves it and I enjoy watching it with her because she is extremely attached to the characters.

In addition to Fringe, Psych, and Burn Notice (and occasionally Criminal Minds), sometimes I feel I have so many friends in TV land. Sigh . . .

Everyday

2010-09-20T03:40:00.002-05:00

Sometimes living here I forget that my life is not "normal" and that someday I'll miss living here. So I decided to take stock.

EVERYDAY I have the opportunity to practice Arabic.

EVERYDAY I leave my apartment to be greeted by an overhead lattice of grapevines and leaves with the smell of jasmine and the color of bougainvillea around me.

EVERYDAY I interact with people from Jordan, Egypt, Palestine, Iraq, Germany, France, the Philippines, the States, Canada- at the very least.

EVERYDAY I have snuggle time with my furry cat.

EVERYDAY I have the opportunity to eat hummus, falafel, and incredible fresh fruit for a fraction of what it would cost me in the States.

EVERYDAY I come home to an apartment which I have turned into a home and share with incredible women.

EVERYDAY it is just as likely I'll see a sheep as a Starbucks.

EVERYDAY I am humbled and reminded that I'm capable of nothing without strength from God.

EVERYDAY I can fight the stereotypes of American women that is held by most people overseas.

EVERYDAY is an opportunity for me to be brave and push my comfort zone.

EVERYDAY I know I am prayed for and loved by people back home.

EVERYDAY I am forced to slow down.

EVERYDAY is filled with sunshine.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

2010-09-16T07:25:00.002-05:00

That's right. It's September. And I frickin love September. My birthday may have something to do with it, but I feel like the entire world changed this month, or at least my perception of it. The weather is perfect (sunny and warm mid-day yet blankets and sweatshirts required at night). Ramadan is over and I got a 5 day weekend to celebrate. I have a new haircut. My cat has started sleeping with me again. Life is good.

At the beginning of Ramadan I told the world (well, more like the 3 of you who read this blog) that I was going to spend an hour a day in meditation and prayer in addition to daytime fasting. Well, I fasted for the most part, but had a very difficult time with silent contemplative prayer. I learned that I'm terrible at it. I think during the entire month I had two enriching experiences. But, I haven't given up. I want to get better at it, and I know I need practice and determination.

Also, just an update, I have had neither revelations about my future nor permission to purchase a Vespa. Prayers would be appreciated.

A video to make you love September as much as I do:

Summer 2010

2010-09-05T10:35:00.000-05:00

2010-08-30T05:25:00.000-05:00

My attempted silence brings forgotten words

You speak in ways I never expect

Your hush allows me to cry

Thank you

Too easily I overlook your love

Like the blueness of the sky

Constancy does not diminish beauty

The future

2010-08-23T04:45:00.002-05:00

More so recently, the future is super intimidating. I've just finished a year at my current job, and while it makes sense for some financial reasons for me to stay until Spring, the timing is coming where I can either stay or go. I'm already overwhelmed with choices. It seems to me that I need to choose one thing that is important to maintain and then seek options from there. For example, if I place priority on location, and limited my options to only the Middle East, or even Jordan, I would need to be willing to do a variety of work. If I placed priority on job experience and advancement, I'd most likely need to compromise location. I think about seeking out more ministry opportunities, but often these are full time unpaid positions, which I am not at a place to pursue. I consider going back to the States, but then the whole problem of finding a priority would dictate where I went and what I'd do.

I just spent the weekend with two single people who have been doing relief work for the past 10 years or so (they're both mid-30s). While their stories were fascinating and exciting, it made me wonder if I want 10 years of transitions, moving every year or so in various unstable conditions. I realize if I ever want to experience this kind of life, this would be the time, but maybe I don't.

I'm very comfortable where I am, and while my work doesn't bring a ton of joy to my life, I'm very happy with most everything else circumstantial (pending Vespa acquirement). Should I seek out something else in Jordan?

I know the answer partly is just to wait, to listen, to pray and trust that the answer will be made clear in due time. But the planner inside me wants to scream.

Danger

2010-08-12T06:57:00.002-05:00

I'm a dreamer and too often I get sucked into what could be. I look from afar at other people's lives and get extremely jealous. I start to feel generic, pathetic, and so very alone. I think, if only I had a husband and our own home where I could be crafty and experiment in the kitchen. If only I could wear whatever I wanted, and hang out with friends until late at night. If only I had a garden and a dog. If only I had access to a community of friends who shared many of my interests, opinions, and faith perspective.

These are the times I question myself and my calling. What am I doing on the other side of the world from much of what I know and love? Am I missing out on a season of life that I so desire to explore? Am I removing myself from the opportunity to ever meet a guy who will fall for me? Is job experience and language learning worth the frustration of living here?

I've had so many questions recently, and have felt anxious. Yet these are balanced out by productive days at work, fun times with my roommates, and wonderful evenings with my neighbors who have started to teach me Arabic songs.

Ramadan started yesterday, which means everything and everyone slows down. My workday has shortened by 1.5 hours and I am determined to use it well. I've decided to fast from 8 until 7 or so and spend about an hour each day meditating and praying about my calling. I've never done anything like this before, but am excited about the possibility. We'll see how it goes.

My neighbors

2010-07-28T01:44:00.002-05:00

I love my neighbors. They are the reason I moved into my current building, and they will be the main consideration if I were to move apartments. Last week, I started a routine of visiting them twice a week. Mondays I help them with their English and Tuesdays they help me with my Arabic. The beautiful thing about Arab families is they never seem to get tired of you, and nothing is every imposing or crossing a line with them.

They have a baby girl who was born in December who is the happiest and prettiest baby ever, and is starting to make all kinds of noises with her mouth. Her brothers aren't exactly gentle with her, but she just takes it all in stride. The middle child is a 5 year old boy, extremely extroverted, who is always full of surprises. Yesterday's game was to see how many times he could sneak up to me and kiss my shoulders. The oldest boy is 8, and while it took him a few months to get comfortable with me, he now treats me like a sister, and never tires of card games. The mother is not much older than me, yet has the spirit of a child, always wanting to participate in games, share things like her superior jump roping skills, and gently corrects my Arabic. While her English is very limited, she is very intuitive and often is the first to understand what I'm trying to explain. I know the father from my first job here in Amman. His English is quite good, yet is one of the most humble people I have ever met. He also is a tease to us all, and always is inviting me and my roommates and our friends over. Together they make up an active yet kind family who always want my attention, participation, and happiness. I don't know what I would do without them.

Sometimes when I'm frustrated with my job, my uncertain situation, my ever-changing friend group, or my limited language ability, I know I can visit my neighbors, who claim I am always smiling. But it's them that bring that smile, both within my soul and on my face.

Life in July

2010-07-11T02:31:00.002-05:00

I'm doing well with some of my summer goals, yet I still seek more continuity and life filling activities in my life. I'm constantly trying new patterns and new habits to see if they should stick around.

I've started taking scooter/motorcycle lessons in order to get my licence here. My first time ever on any type of 2 wheeled motorized vehicle was my "test drive" last week, and I'm in love. Right now I'm still on a closed track with full knee/elbow pads, but it's a dream. If I'm ever frustrated, I think about the possibility of me driving myself around this city on a scooter, and I'm happy. One day I may bring a friend with a camera so they can capture the hilarity of these lessons.

Arabic has been somewhat irregular during the summer due to busy schedules and trips, and I'm still feeling so inadequate compared to my friends who study full time. If I had a genie with 3 wishes, you bet instant knowledge of Arabic would be one. Aladdin's genie can't be too far from Amman . . .

I've been reading about spiritual disciplines recently, and I read one excerpt that has really stuck with me. The author was discussing prayer and how we are often too scared to pray for the little things which are obviously answered or not, but feel at ease praying for world peace or other really large concepts. I totally do this. I've become very comfortable praying for vague concepts, but would feel uneasy asking God for something as simple as a good night's sleep or a respectful taxi driver. I realize this is revealing of my trust. I think I'm quite afraid of testing God, and therefore am also too afraid to test myself. How far am I willing to trust God in my everyday activities? Perhaps after I can do this I can pray more effectively for world peace.

It's June!

2010-06-01T03:07:00.003-05:00

Happy June to all! And "rabbits rabbits" to those closest to me. It's summer according to my seasonal interpretation, and considering it's going to reach 100 degrees today, what other season could it be?

For many people summer is a time of transition, as its generally a time to do something a little different and take a break from education. For me this year, summer will much look the same as any other time, although my surroundings will change. Some of my friends are leaving Amman, and I'm sure new people will be coming. I am generally not afraid of change, but I feat that much of what is changing is what has been holding me together thus far. Also, I have this fear of wasting time/life so in order to make the most of this summer I think I should make some goals.

Be more intentional with relationships. Make dates with people in Amman I haven't talked to in months. Send more emails to friends in the States. Make those promised skype calls.
Read. Make a list of 3-4 books to read this summer and follow through.
Organize promised art night.
Make a list of apartment improvements and follow through.
Pray and dance with the roommates.
Listen regularly to podcast sermons.
Exercise at least 3 times a week.
Pray and discern how I should fast/eat during Ramadan.

While this summer will be full of work meetings, goodbye's, and sweat; I hope to not let it fly by. I have no idea how long I'll be in the Middle East, but I do know that good habits should be practiced everywhere in order to keep me sane and pleasant to be around.

Dead2Red and Keller Davis

2010-04-25T04:25:00.002-05:00

When I attempt to give people updates of how my life is going, my mind goes to the hours I sit at my desk at work fixing excel sheets, my time spent in silence with random taxi drivers sitting in traffic, or my countless trips to grocery stores. So I usually reply with something like, "nothing new" or "same old" revealing the routine my life has settled into. Although if I thought harder, I would remember the one crazy taxi driver who tried to set me up with his bank manager friend, or wandering the city for an hour trying to find an advertised "Farmer's Market" or my weekly Ultimate Frisbee game which always brings great laughs and minor injuries. My life has settled, but I just come to expect things that people in America would find funny.

But as far as large events, I realized I have not blogged about two major Spring events in the life of Margie. One is my Dead2Red road race, the other is the visit of my brother.

Dead2Red

The first weekend of March, I was a part of a 10 person relay race from the Dead Sea to the Red Sea in Jordan. Let me tell you, it's an experience of a lifetime. The distance is about 243 kilometers, but we broke it up into small sections, so that no one was running more than 3K at a time. The race started Thursday afternoon and we finished in about 9.5 hours, which meant running through the night in the Jordanian desert. My team was made up of random people, half Jordanians, a couple Westpoint guys, a few language students, another non-profit worker and myself. We rented two school buses and took shifts as buses, so the other group could sleep. It's a really weird feeling to awake in the middle of the night and run. My body was quite angry, but fortunately several of the others were really gifted runners and carried people like me who have only one speed. While I'm hardly a sprinter (which is really the style of the race), I hope to be a part of a team every Spring I'm here. After the race, we got a great deal to stay at the Radisson, a fancy hotel in Aqaba, and my friend Maryanne met me down there to enjoy the weekend. Although the logistics were a nightmare and my team at time was incredibly competitive = stressful, it was a great experience.

Keller Davis

A couple of weeks ago, my one and only brother came to visit me in Jordan. He was here for a week, and we covered a lot of ground. I took 3 days off work and we traveled South to see Petra, Aqaba, and Wadi Rum. Due to the parent's generosity, we were able to spend the night in a nice hotel in Aqaba and go on an hour camel ride in Wadi Rum. It was really great to spend some time with him and explore together. He's a pretty great brother.

And here's some pictures.

Some Stories from Erbil

2010-03-28T06:20:00.002-05:00

This past week was a week of firsts; first business trip, first time to Iraq, first time meeting with the majority of my coworkers, and the first time I've ever felt like a celebrity.

For some background, I work with a French NGO's Iraq mission, but do my 40 hrs./week in Amman, Jordan due to security issues for foreigners in Baghdad. This past week I was able to accompany my boss to Erbil (in Kurdistan) to meet 13 of my coworkers who traveled up from Baghdad. We held meetings throughout the day, but also managed to fit in some shopping, sightseeing, and quality time together. Overall, a fantastic trip. I occasionally need times like these to remind me why I do what I do. It made my fall in love with the Middle East all over again.

While most of my interactions were with my Iraqi colleagues, I also met some Kurdish people as well as some random "Persians" who were excited to talk to me. The most memorable of these experiences happened when I was at a new mall, waiting with Dr. Ali from my org who was teaching me how to identify people's background based on their shoes or way they wear their headscarf when a girl of a bout 20 who approached me with, "Hi, your face tells me that you are not from here. Where are you from?" She proceeded to grill me about my reactions to Kurdistan and my favorite country in the Middle East that I've been to. Her English was perfect, and it was very interesting to me how she proceeded to complain about the lack of freedom in Erbil as far as women's dress and segregated areas. While Erbil is a bit stricter than Amman as far as dress (I was sure to cover from my wrist to ankle and made sure to wear longer tops) and women or family eating (several restaurants and coffee shops had men only sections) it was interesting that a young woman from Iran would complain of such things. I guess we came to the conclusion she figured if she was out of her country, anything goes!

It was the Kurdish New Year when we were there, and during this time tons of people to into the mountains to celebrate by camping and dancing and carrying torches. While eating grilled fish the first night at a restaurant, I watched the TV's live feed of the mountain activity and the women in their sparkliest of outfits. It was fascinating.

Being a rather shy person combined with being an American with Iraqis, I'm sure my demeanor with my coworkers was quite exaggerated, but I have learned that they respect me for my humility and gentleness. At one point our Iraqi project manager turned to me and said, "Are you sure you're American? You don't act like the American soldiers." What does one say to that?

These people were incredibly kind, and were always teasing one another, which brought about so much laughter. I loved being with such happy people, and these people live in Baghdad! Theoretically I could tell you that Arabs in Amman are known for their rather serious nature, but I think I forgot about how much some are! While my office workers are only 2, I've never seen them laugh the way I have now seen the Iraqis laugh. Our project manager's favorite joke was to take photos of me with my male coworkers and then threaten that he was going to send a copy to their wives. But my favorite was one of the doctors who would always reply with, "My wife already knows about Margie." This would always make me nervous as I have met this man possibly twice before, what is there to tell his wife about?

While we did do a bit of sightseeing and visiting of local markets, I think the best benefit of the trip for me was to listen and get to know my coworkers. I sit and write reports or proposals on a laptop in a wealthy area of Amman, Jordan and sometimes have no idea what is going on behind these words. I loved hearing stories from the monitors about field visits. I loved hearing project ideas from them because I know their ideas are based on need and not donor fit. I loved just watching them interact with one another. You can tell they really care for one another, and for me, and do what they do because they believe they are doing good, not because they are making top dollar (cause they're not).

I'll try to post some pictures soon, I've been quite the slacker with photos recently but I did take a few. I will end with one more story. The last night all 15 of us went out to an amazing restaurant called Marina for a leisurely 5 hour dinner. In perusing the menu I was fascinated/disgusted by all the animal parts they offered. I was sitting next to my boss and I pointed it out to him, using the example I saw of "sheep bools" thinking my my head "bowels", as in intestine, but I'm sure my face turned red as I said the word aloud and realized what I was actually saying. He laughed and made the comparison to Rocky Mountain Oysters. Sure enough, when the appetizers came came, this was one of the 20 things they laid before us. And yes, I tried it, but will never again. ugh.

You live in Amman-

2010-02-15T04:42:00.002-06:00

This was a story I wrote for a presentation in Alexandria, VA to a 7th grade class in December. I'm not sure why I wrote it to read like a "choose your own adventure." But here's a little taste of what my life is like.

You live in Amman, Jordan. The capital city. You wake up on a Friday morning, refreshed as you slept in a little. Friday begins the weekend in the Middle East, and while it took you a while to get used to, it seems very natural to have a Sunday through Thursday work week. As you get out of bed, you turn on the propane heater called a soba to warm up the room and you recall the dreams you had the night before. You’re amazed at how much you can remember and realize how well you slept last night. Neither your cat Noosa nor the 4 am call to prayer broadcasted through your neighborhood disturbed your much needed rest. Alhumdillah.

You are meeting your friend for Friday breakfast, but have some time, so you decide to go down to the Abdali Friday market down the hill to see if you can find any treasures. As you leave your flat, locking the 3 doors behind you, you are surprised to see your neighbor is up and watering her plants. “Sabah ilxeer” you say to her as you pass. “Sabah ilnoor” she replies, smiling. You wonder, as you often do, what she thinks of you and your American roommates. You know that your skin color, age, and country of origin set you apart and are always treated as a guest. Politely, but usually at arms’ length. Thinking through this, and its advantages and disadvantages, you walk down the steep road, looking at all the closed shops and quiet streets along the way. You love the quietness of the city on Friday morning and ask yourself, like you do every week, why you don’t take advantage of the empty streets and go for a run. Oh right, you remember, sleep.

As you near the market, the streets get more crowded. You round the curve and the bus station turned market appears in view. While you don’t really need anything, it’s always fun too look and see what things can be found. You always loved thrift stores in the States, and this is like 3 thrift stores combined with a farmer’s market- and all outdoors. The makeshift roofs made from brightly colored cloth create a quilt-like appearance from above, and an orange glow when you are underneath as the Jordan sun seems to always shine. Before you plunge into the crowds of people, racks of clothes, and tables covered with shoes; you look up at the perfectly blue sky and feel the warmth on your face. After about 15 minutes, you find a great t-shirt which you recognize the logo from an event you yourself attended maybe 5 years ago in Indianapolis, IN. It never ceases to amaze you that clothes once worn by Americans, donated to US thrift stores, eventually find their way to an overseas market such as this. You remember seeing similar things 4 years ago in Nairobi, Kenya. After haggling with the owner of the t-shirt, you walk away with a new treasure and only 50 cents poorer. You check your cell phone and realize you are running a few minutes late to meet your friend, but then you remember that you live in Jordan, and time is not given as much importance. So you stop and buy a few pomegranates to eat throughout the week. You still can’t get over how little you pay for such delicious fruits.

Finally you continue your walk down towards the downtown area where you usually meet your friend. She is easy to spot with her pale Canadian skin and bright red hair. While you and many of your Western friends dress appropriately (covering most of your skin), you have yet to buy into Jordanian women’s fashion which usually is comprised of skin tight jeans coupled with sparkly and color coordinated tops and scarves and shoes. And the make-up! You wonder how long many of these women spend on themselves each morning. Although they don’t have to do their hair, as the majority of people in this country are Muslim, and most Muslim women here cover their hair with a scarf.

You greet your modest, but comfortably dressed Canadian friend with a hug rather than the more traditional 3 cheek kisses. So the discussion begins: where to go to breakfast? A traditional Jordanian place called Matam Ghaith for falafel, hummus, and fuul? Or the Western Books@Cafe for omelets and French toast? After some discussion, Books@ is decided upon. Mostly due to your addiction to their huge mugs of coffee.

You raise your arm as an empty taxi approaches and he slows to let you and your friend in. “Yatikilafia” you greet the driver. He replies with the proper response “Allah ya fiiki”. “Low saHmat, biddna naruuh sharia rainbow.” “Rainbow street?” he asks in English. You roll your eyes as you find it obnoxious when taxi drivers want to show off their English to you. “Nam” you reply stubbornly, determined to use the small amount of Arabic you know. While not all taxi drivers know English, you always find out when they do. “Bitarif wein Books@cafe?” hoping he’ll know the restaurant so you won’t have to direct him. “Books@? of course.” This driver apparently is used to driving in Jebel Amman, the main hill in Amman. While books@ has great breakfasts, it is also famous for its trendy night scene. After a 10 minute ride zigzagging your way through the steep streets, he pulls in front of the recognized store front, and you and your friend split the metered fare of about one dinar and 300 fils (less than $2). Like many places in Amman, one would have to know what they were looking for in order to find this place. Luckily, you are in the know. You pass the guard standing at the gate, careful not to meet his gaze, and walk into the ground level which is an English bookstore. While you love looking to see which random books the store decides to sell, your stomach hurries you through to the restaurant. Up one level, you and your friend decide to sit on the outside patio. While the air is a little cool today, the sun is strong and you want to take advantage of it before the winter season hits. Breakfast takes over two hours as the service is slow and the food keeps coming, but you and your friend have a lot to catch up on, so you don’t even notice. During a lull in the conversation, you think again how strange it is that everything in this restaurant is English- in fact you’d be willing to bet money your waiter can’t even speak Arabic. This is the trend these days, that more hip places will be exclusively English, which you realize excludes many of the less educated people in this country. How strange, you think, to not be able to go to restaurants in your own country because of a language barrier. But you realize that these people probably can’t afford these places either. It’s a weird kind of discrimination. Once again you are thankful for your natural abilities in English, and feel rather ashamed at how much privilege you take for granted. The determination rises again in you to learn Arabic. You survey the others enjoying breakfast to see mostly expatriates or foreigners, hearing snippets of several languages.

Books@ is a more expensive place, so paying $10 feels steep, but you will probably eat cheap tonight- maybe some shwarma, which costs about $3, so it’ll even out.

You think about going downtown to do some shopping. Maybe a scarf for your mother’s birthday or pick up some dvds from one of the countless stores, but the sudden voice in the background brings reality. “Allah ak-bar!” Oh yeah, you think, it’s Friday noon. Everyone is at mosque to pray, and nothing is open. The Call to Prayer continues, a strong male singing the familiar words, calling people from their homes to travel to their local place of worship. Your friend is off to Catholic Mass, which is also held at noon on Friday, and you decide to join her today. After a short taxi ride, you and your friend arrive at a huge old church. Everyone is filing in, and for the millionth time, you feel very conspicuous due to your American appearance. But this time it is not Arabs filling the room, but rather Filipinos. Amman is filled with many Filipino and Sri Lankan families (but mostly women) as they come here, often leaving their families behind, to find work. Most often these women are hired to clean houses, be a live-in household help, or work at salons doing manicures/pedicures. A large percentage of Filipinos are Christian, both Protestant and Catholic, and you know of several churches in the city that have services, in English, catered toward this people group. While you enjoy the songs and prayers of the service, your mind keeps wondering about those around you. How long has it been since they have seen their family? How are they treated by their employers? How do they manage to live on so little money, knowing they send most of it home? You think of Vivencia, the Filipino woman who comes to your own house on Saturday mornings. You are so thankful that she cleans your house as you know it would never be clean otherwise. When you were introduced to her, you were told that she is more expensive than others, but you find that hard to believe as she only charges 3 JDs per hour, which is equivalent to $4.

After Mass, you part ways with your friend, deciding to go home to study some Arabic for your lesson this week and catch up on some emails. You think about plans for tonight. You know many of your Western friends meet at the park on the Western edge of the city to play Ultimate Frisbee and usually out to dinner at Chili’s or the mall food court. But you don’t really feel like it tonight. Maybe you should call Reem, your Palestinian/Jordanian coworker to see if she wants to go out to a café for some juice and smoking argeileh, a popular fruit tobacco smoked from a large water pipe. Or you could go to Starbucks to read a book. Or you could go down to the lower level of your building and visit your Egyptian neighbors. While they speak very little English, they encourage you to speak Arabic, the their young boys always bring a smile to your face as they fight for your attention in wanting to play cards or show you their recent drawings. Hannah, the mom, always serves deliciously sweet hot tea, and waits on you despite expecting a baby any day now. They’ve talked about naming the baby after you and you secretly hope they do so.

In the end, your roommate and snuggly cat convince you to stay home and watch a movie on her laptop. It’s an American movie that just came out in theaters last week in the States. Things like this are so common in Jordan you forget that they are illegal. The movie quality is poor, but watchable.

All too soon, it appears that Friday has come to an end. You fall asleep thankful for having such a content life. While living in another culture can cause little errands to become complicated processes and often make you feel dumb and small when you don’t understand the language or the subtleties of the culture, you are thankful for your paying and satisfying job, you are thankful for friends from all nationalities and backgrounds, you are thankful for your home which you have made cozy, and thankful for such an adventure. How many of my friends in VA see flocks of sheep on their way to the grocery store? How many of them are able to get a wider perspective of the world today in hearing news and gossip from Jordanians rather than Americans? How many can easily rent a car or hop on a bus to go to places like medieval castles, the ancient ruins of Petra, snorkeling in the Red Sea, floating in the salty Dead Sea, or visit places significant to the major world religions such as the baptismal site of Jesus and Mount Nebo where Moses looked out across the promised land. While you are still thankful for your nationality and your home country, and may be missing out on some things back home, right now- Jordan is home.

Not your average Tuesday night

2010-02-03T02:26:00.001-06:00

While the US Embassy usually sends me silly emails regarding small protests some people are having in a tiny village in Jordan, recently I have been impressed by their email notices. Most recently, I received an email about a free concert of African American spirituals being held downtown. After a little encouragement from Maryanne, we both decided to attend last night.

The crowd was an interesting mixture of Americans (embassy crowd), well-to-do Jordanians, and some random ethnicities/people like us. I have no idea how this concert was advertised other than the email through the embassy, but the concert hall was packed. Nicole Taylor, soprano from Julliard, and her pianist, Daniel Ernst, brought much joy to my life last night. I don’t know what it was. The fact that she sang these much familiar songs with such an amazingly clear and trained voice; her cute hair and smile; the piano solos by Daniel on a piano much like my parents own; the fact that she tried so hard to connect with her audience like making connections between the Bible and Qu’ran; the way she gave us background of the songs by telling us stories of slavery or composition history; or just the sheer excitement of being able to sing and clap along with quality music. The combination was incredible. She surprised us all at the end by singing three traditional Jordanian songs, accompanied by some traditional instruments, and I was awed at her bravery. Not only learning songs in an unfamiliar language and singing it in front of native speakers, but attempting to sing for the first time in the Arab style complete with quarter tones and that tell-tale sliding from note to note. But she put forth amazing effort and the crowd loved her! While they were polite during her spirituals, they roared and heckled during her surprise ending.

I definitely want to figure out the best way to find out about more of Amman cultural events, and attend more often. While I know they won’t all be of Nicole Taylor’s quality, having experiences like this and breaking up the routine of the day to day make life enjoyable.

A snippet of Margie's current thoughts

2010-02-01T15:32:00.003-06:00

I'm a lister. As in I make a lot of lists. To-do lists. Vocabulary lists. I'm not much of a Top 10 maker, but I enjoy reading other's. When I have a lot on my mind, it is helpful for me to just write it all out. I think my mind feels this need to remember things and plan things so it will constantly bring something to the forefront of my mind even though its irrelevant to the current situation. I know I'm not alone. So, in case you were wondering, these are currently plaguing my inner thoughts:

Arabic- must learn faster!
work- how to do my job better and how to get a better job
my house- how to better foster community
mandolin- are the strings tuned an octave lower? how can I improve the action?
running- with the 30 minute or 5 K option on the treadmill, how can I maximize my run?
church- how much should I push my own opinions/preferences and how much should I submit to others
work trip to Iraq- coming soon
brother's visit to Amman- how to plan the best 5 days ever
Super bowl, Valentine's day, friend's birthday, Ash Wednesday/Lent- how to celebrate
Crucifixion and Resurrection of Christ
Communion
Generation X and Y
The interconnectedness of people

I hope this list doesn't stress you out. Because it actually makes me feel better. I really am thankful for life right now. While I may be running quite hard these days, I know that these are the times I feel most content and alive. Maybe one day I'll crash and burn and have to cut down on life activities.

If you're a lister, I encourage you to jot down all the things that have been on your mind, I'm sure the list will be larger than anticipated. Lists are a beautiful thing.

My book

2010-01-12T15:44:00.002-06:00

Tonight was another great night with my HC (house church). While it is currently a small group due to many still traveling due to recent holidays, the quality is solid.

We were talking about what it meant to be "in the world" (John 17) and I was reminded of an idea I had when I first moved to this city about resources for Christians living overseas. While I do not claim to have a working knowledge on all that has been published, it seems to me very little has been written for those of us who have chosen to leave their culture and live in another. I know I've read a lot encouraging people to be radical and live among the poor or talking about their own experiences overseas, but nothing practical and helpful for those who have made the leap.

I remember when I first moved to Amman, sitting in my first apartment alone asking God, "Ok, now what?" While I felt I was given clear direction about my priorities and God painlessly provided a job change, there is more to life than living situations and earning a living. So I was inspired to create something.

I'm sure many sending agencies have material which helps guide newcomers, but what about hose without a "company." The teachers, the non-profit workers, the language students? Even those coming with new or small organizations which don't have the resources. I think some sort of resource would be useful. In my brainstorming, the book would include both extremely practical advice but also talk about how to live in a God-honoring manner while overseas. Things like:

tips on learning your location (buy a map, ask around, lonely planet, internet, walking tours, etc)
finding community (its importance and places to look for such people)
language learning
how to confront injustice/poverty
staying in touch with those back home
expat vs. local friends
diet and exercise
taking advantage of your time (travel/shopping)
prayer
learning about God through the lens of another culture
local religion
church
logistics (know your public transportation, corner store, emergency numbers, etc.)
culture stress/shock
emotional stress/breakdowns
being "in" the world, still making the conscious effort to bring the Kingdom of God to Earth
finding a mentor
time management
goals and plans (the balance between setting attainable goals and being free to act as convicted)

Anyway, you get the drift. Let me know if you have any additions or suggestions. Perhaps this will be my goal for 2011. I think 2010 is filled with Arabic and the mandolin. We'll see.

2010

2010-01-02T15:01:00.002-06:00

I'm the type of person who loves setting goals. So New Years obviously lends itself to reflection in the form of thinking about what passed and what is yet to come. While I have a few personal things I wish to do better this year, I won't bore you with those details. Rather I want to talk about making goals. I know that not everyone benefits from this exercise. At some points in my life I saw them as a way for me just to set myself up for failure. But I now love them. While I know I have little control over my future in terms of big picture, I have been greatly struck recently with the ability we have to make ourselves into the people we want to be.

For example, when I think of myself at age 30 (which is nearing quickly), I want to be a healthy, well-educated, well-informed, well read, Arabic speaking, musical, God centered, people focused woman who is using my gifts in a way to help people. Things out of my control include (to an extent): my marital status, my job, my living situation, my income, among other things. Yet these things have little effect on who I want to be. I can exercise, read, learn Arabic, and practice my mandolin no matter my circumstances.

Character formation is also a choice. I am reminded of a clip of Max Lucado's writing which I am pretty sure I had memorized at one point in my life. Cheesy at times, I believe he is dead on when it comes to our daily choices in who we are. It's so easy to be lazy and let our human nature take control of our minds. But when we are mindful of our motivations and their effects- I think we will be formed into people of great character. So I give you Lucado:

The Choice
Author, MAX LUCADO

It's quiet. It's early. My coffee is hot. The sky is still black. The world is asleep. The day is coming. In a few moments the day will arrive. It will roar down the track with the rising of the sun. The stillness of the dawn will be exchanged for the noise of the day. The calm of solitude will be replaced by the pounding pace of the human race. The refuge of the early morning will be invaded by decisions to be made and deadlines to be met. For the next twelve hours I will be exposed to the day's demands. It is now that I must make a choice. Because of Calvary, I am free to choose.

I choose Love.... No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I choose Joy.... I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical...the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I choose Peace.... I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I choose Patience.... I will overlook the inconvenience of the world. Instead of cursing the one that takes my place, I will invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for the moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I choose Kindness.... I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I choose Goodness.... I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I accuse. I choose goodness.

I choose Faithfulness.... Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.

I choose Gentleness.... Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it only be in praise. If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer. If I make a demand, may it only be on myself.

I choose Self-Control.... I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my Faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

2009-11-09T15:13:00.002-06:00

The day after my last post, October 25, my grandfather (Gordon Keller) passed away. He had not been well for some time, but no one is truly prepared for any death.

So, this past Thursday I flew back to Washington D.C. Friday was the columbarium, after which was the general memorial service, followed by a family dinner. 300 or so came for the service, as he had a long full life in the music business and became an institution in the greater DC area. The service had some amazing music, which was extremely fitting, and my great uncle Chuck gave a message about "going home"; a constant fixation of my grandad's since he became sick and had to live so much in hospitals and recovery centers. I am thankful he's home.

Saturday I spent with my immediate family, going out eat and hiking in the beautiful Fall touched forest along the Potomac River.

Now I'm back in Amman, trying to prep myself mentally for going back to work tomorrow.

Thanks friends for all your thoughts and prayers.

my current estate

2009-10-24T02:06:00.002-05:00

It's Saturday, the second day of the weekend here in sunny Amman.

Like every Saturday, 3 of the 4 of us in the house have the day off and feel the pressure to get work done before another week begins. After making coffee, I sit with my laptop catching up on emails, listening to music, trying to keep my kitten content and off my keyboard. Vivencia, a wonderful Filipino woman is making our home spotless; I am so thankful for her. When I get up the energy, I'll walk downtown to check my P.O. box and pay our internet bill. Perhaps I'll pick up some dvds while I'm there, see if there are any movies worth spending $1.

It's another beautiful day. Always sunny, never humid. Today is a high of 78 degrees F.

Sometimes I think it is hard to recognize that often times life in places like Jordan looks a lot like life in the US. I know the first time I lived with a family overseas for a period of time I was shocked to learn they ate pizza and watched LOST. Of course there are differences. I pay about half for my groceries and have to be extremely conscious of what I wear to try to minimize the comments I'll receive on the street. I am surrounded by a language that I barely know and people act according to customs I have only a basic understanding. But the day to day routine of my life, how I interact with my friends and strangers, how I spend my time- all this is something that I think will never change no matter where I live.

I'm still working for the French NGO as their Grants Manager helping to propose and report about our relief projects in Iraq. I'm still involved in two churches. I still live in community with other American women. I'm still trusting that God will direct my paths.

Thanks for your prayers.

The end of Summer

2009-09-19T16:10:00.001-05:00